one time
we were floating in the pool
(i don’t know whose)

and you told me about the conversations you were having with your therapist
how she challenged you to make the idea of
killing yourself
so complex that it would just be too much work to do

and as i floated nearby
eyes watching yours
our skin pale and wan in the moonlight and that muted waterglow from beneath us
i remember myself wondering why i knew
that we were never meant to be

our hearts too alike, perhaps
you always called me insane
but i never wanted to **** myself
i never had to come up with plans too obtuse to carry out
i did not tell you my thoughts while we pruned in the darkness

no

instead i longed simply not to be
that every night when i closed my eyes
my consciousness would cease
no future
no tomorrow
no wailing, clawing, inexorable creeping of time
tearing me apart molecule by molecule

i did not wish for death
but i did not wish to live
and trapped in that terrible ennui
you (and you) (and you)
drifted away from me

until the moon clouded over and i was alone
floating in the pool
(i don’t know whose)