I don’t really wanna think right now but there are some thoughts I need to get out of my head…

I knew it was over when you told me that my head was too heavy to rest on your arm
Isn’t it an unspoken rule that you don’t tell your girl that
You let her fall asleep on your arm and don’t move it,
Even when you have no more blood circulation

I knew it was over when you stopped wanting to call me
When we first were talking, hell, when we weren’t even together yet
You always wanted to call me
But somehow it turned into “we talk everyday. I don’t see a need to call you”
It shouldn’t be a need, it should be a want
You liked me
I thought you would’ve wanted to call me more

Going along with that,

I knew it was over when you got annoyed when I called you
Isn’t one supposed to be happy when the one they like calls them unexpectedly
I don’t know why you were always so annoyed, so mad at me
Im sorry. I didn’t meant to make you angry

I knew it was over when you were annoyed with me
You didn’t really give me any reasons
Other than I ask questions that shouldn’t be asked sometimes, so I don’t get it
What I did so wrong — what I did to make you so annoyed with me

I knew it was over when I started restricting myself and talking to you
You mentioned you were annoyed, so I tried to stop asking questions
I tried to stop telling you about the random little things that happened to me,
Because you’d just get annoyed
I stopped telling you things that I used to tell you
I stopped talking to you
I stopped…
I stopped.

I knew it was over when we didn’t even have a conversation when both of us were replying at the same time,
Both present in the conversation
I guess that’s why I wanted to call you
So I could feel like we were actually talking — sharing and talking about something meaningful
I don’t know if I’m remembering only the bad times, but I can’t remember a moment where we were both present at the same time, actively having a conversation

I guess it had been over for a while.
And I hate to admit it, but you’re right when you say that “I guess you being scared of losing me made me pull away more”
I guess I lost myself a little bit
I forgot that I didn’t need you.
It should’ve of been an active choice of wanting you.
I should’ve shown you that I chose to have you in my life — I chose to want you and to keep you and I didn’t need you to survive

I don’t really know when it was over (subtly)
Obviously, I know when it was over when you broke up with me
But I didn’t really know when it was over

I really think it was those 3 weeks we didn’t see each other
I don’t know what changed in you.
But I think from then you decided to let me go.


And God, I hate to admit it, but I think it was over before it ever really started.

(7/11/23; 8:21 PM)