Hands over my ears and my eyes are clenched, there's too much noise.
Head on knees and knees to chest, my body wants to absorb itself.
I'm surrounded by screaming, and it's my own voice, myself from a time before.
"No"
More than anything
"No."
My heartbeat expels all of the air from my lungs, and they won't fill back up
But I am still screaming.
It's as if snakes are slithering across my bare chest, and my eyelids burn as I lock them tighter.
There is no way out of this, but it feels too big to survive.
Now along with "No," the voices are screaming "Run."
A command that echoes through every cell in my body.
Every hair is on end, every nerve is alert.
My muscles ache to move, as my heart pours blood through every limb.
But I am still frozen,
Tangled in a heap of myself on the ground.
Since my body has failed me, my mind bears the weight.
Speeding through every option, every possible source of control
Slamming sharply into blame.
Because if this is your fault then I can walk away
I can leave you, thinking I'm free from the pain.
But this isnt your fault; this isnt you.
My fear is my own and leaving wont change that.
It's my voice that says you'll leave.
Mine whispering that I dont matter.
The voice of a terrified child with no control, The erratic and panicked thrashing of a traumatized brain.
My thoughts are a symphony of terror and understanding,
Fear, and the awareness of it.
I want to build connection with this brain inside mine.
So I will sit here and listen as she screams.
Absorb the bullets of fear and shame, aimed at myself.
I will hold space for this neglected part of me.
I will honor the part I have always blamed.
It isn't her fault, and her truth isnt mine.
And although I feel everything,
We both deserve peace.