I want to write about you
Not because I miss you or because I still want you.
I want to write about you so that I can stop having nightmares about you. I pray for the day that I wake up in the morning from a restful sleep of beautiful dreams in which you don’t appear. Because I’m too old to still have nightmares.

I want to write about you so that I stop seeing you in my memories as someone who loved me because you did not.
I have to write about you and all of the hell that I went through to be with you so that I can pretend as though I am healed from it.

The truth is, it has been 2 years since I last was emotionally drained and tied to you.
It has been approximately 730 days since I was associated with you.
And you would think that would be long enough to rid your scent off of me.
It doesn’t matter how much I’ve forgiven you for what you put me through, or how many times I’ve written letters I’ll never send.
I still cannot escape the words you told me when I was so young and impressionable.

I write about you so that I can come to terms with what you made me endure.
I write about you so that the next time I think of you in any remotely positive light, I’ll remember that your favorite thing to do was tell me you didn’t want me. I’ll remember if I write about you that you pressed skin against skin with my close friend and then made me question my love for you after the truth was uncovered.

If I write about you,
I remember the monster you really are
Because I’m tired of seeing the best in people.