I miss the cold laughs and the playful stares

The ease in knowing you were there

How did it become a sharp ache

Heavy enough to keep me awake

Most of the time I feel like I’m dreaming

Like you just tucked me in and told me to go to sleep

Because its late

And you were going to sleep too

I don’t see you in your room anymore

I don’t hear you in the kitchen

I pace around the corners of my mind

And sit by the one that protects me

The memories flood vivid

They’re loud

Waiting to be seen  

Images visiting without an invitation

Kind ones leave me craving more

Longing for a miracle

Dark ones remind me of what it means

To feel helpless

Patiently waiting the day

Where I would have to do this without you

Your hand in mine

Was the greatest gift you left to me

Love disguised as security

An ending reassuring a beginning

I watched you take your last breath

And wiped the tears you had the strength to find

One last time

They told me that you loved me

Porcelain skin

Sunken cheeks

Your stained sweater

Slow breaths

Mirrored slow rises in your chest

I kissed your forehead and told you to go

I told you it was okay

Because you always did the same for me

My body vibrated with pure bliss

At the thought of you going somewhere

Where you would feel no pain

Where you could finally leave your body

And look down at it in awe

For all that you went through

Leaving behind that every passing second

Was more painful than the last

I could not wait for you to be free

So you could kiss the stars on your way

Until a heavy silence filled the room

And I knew I would never feel the same

I don’t know how I let you go

How I felt the first person I shared love with

Become completely still

A broken and bruised body

Now an extension of the silence

Frozen beside my pleading attempts

For you to come back after hearing my cries

I was sure for a moment

That this was not what it seemed

I knew you could not leave if you heard

That I was desperately searching for your life

You could not leave if you knew

What my mind body and soul felt  

The pain that shocked then swallowed me

I could not control it

It painted my reality with merciless dread

It cut through anything that made sense

And stayed with me for hours

I can’t fully revisit this moment today

Because it’s now a part of myself

One that I do not want to call mine

I would do anything to give it back

To say I was only playing pretend

So you could look at me

And play pretend too

By acting as if you weren't amused by me

Just to make me laugh and say "this girl"

But instead you couldn’t come back

So I had to let you go

And trust that your love would always soften

The unfamiliar heaviness and nostalgia

That come along with missing you

To the brightest light in my life

Mommy,

My heart lost its shape

When yours lost its beat