A night of peace and stars with a makeshift family.
Sitting in the warm, spring night,
colored by long strings of yellow Christmas lights.
Around the patio table, we laughed and talked for hours.

But all at once,
I felt your soul go quiet.
I felt the leftover splash from the wave of sadness
that had taken you under.
Every part of my body went numb as my heart lept
to try and touch yours.

My eyes searched the others at the table.
I was the only one privy to the melancholy waves
That radiated from inside you.

My lungs felt like they were shrinking,
unable to hold too much air at once.
My brain and my heart signaled to the rest of me.
They said
“sing”
They said
“Play.”
I wanted more than anything
to have an instrument in my hands.
I wanted more than anything
to sing the happiness back into us.
Or maybe I needed to sing the sadness out,
find a way to tell the rest of them that we were sinking.

I wondered what had happened.
Was it the peace?
Did you feel guilty for feeling okay?
I couldn’t tell if it was
The liter of alcohol you’d downed
Or the same guilty sadness
That seeps from my pores every day.

If I feel your waves now
Do you feel mine?

You stumbled along the path,
Then slurred your goodbyes.
I drove you home
And you acted
Like everything was fine.