I woke up this morning with an incredibly painful longing for freshman year of college.  Living in the dorm with one window that overlooked the soccer field.  Having that Jessica Alba poster while still claiming to be straight except to one or two close friends and any girl I didn't know when I was drunk.  Having to ******* in the shower.  Having to sneak into classrooms or out to my car at night to hook up with boys I didn't like.  Having to take a walk just to get some alone time.  Walking down to the tiny creek that went through campus to sit and journal and feel alone on purpose.  Having an emotional breakdown on the steps of the main building at 3am after the boy I liked went home with someone else and feeling alone on accident.  Wondering if any of my new friends really liked me. Wondering if any of my old friends were really impressed by me.  Wondering if my family was really proud of me.  Wondering if I would ever use chemistry in real life.  Wondering why I was alone. Wondering why I liked being alone. Wondering if I would always be alone.

I miss the solitude of loneliness.
I miss not really knowing anyone.
I must have been dreaming of it.