nothing burns hotter than the realisation
that you were the problem all along
that those feelings of resentment and hatred
they stemmed from your core, from your habits
abuse had and abuse held, abuse shared
where it didn’t belong

my dear sweet boy,
as time goes on I see more and more the flaws in my actions
the things I said and did
where they came from, and where they went.
my dear sweet boy you and I both know I live in active abuse
where I walk on eggshells all day and seldom talk
yet when I am with you I yell and scream

you should not wear my trauma on your sleeve

it is not yours to hold yet I ****** it into your hands
“here”
“take it”
not many options and the fear that grasped you never let you say no
this isn’t okay
I deserve better
I live in resentment of the world that created the injustice in which I lie
but that resentment boiled into hatred for the blessed life that you were gifted
a mothers love was all I ever wanted.
a mothers love was all you ever got

we fought like fire and rain
I always put you out
the fire inside me burns bright
and I doubt it will ever cease

but that fire isn’t yours to bear
the burns that cover your body are forever
and I see the damage I have done.
I dance to the sound of your minds thoughts racing
thinking
how do I say I’m hurt
without hurting her.
how do I express disscontempt
when I know her mind will flick to the worst
how do I be me
without hurting her

and my dear sweet boy
insight is a miracle
but so is distance.
and I hope she makes you happy
I hope her smile lights up your heart

I listen to the playlist I made you
gave to you the day you went away
and I miss you all over again
my stormboy
the heavens still cry for you