Sometimes I forget,
I forget about you.
And in those few blissful moments
I'm ok.
But then your name pops up
or a song comes on
and I remember.

I remember how you made me feel,
the fear I felt.
The fear wasn't of you
but the person within you.
The one who told you things,
the one that commanded you.

That person, that demon
made me scared, he  made me cry
I heard what he told you
I felt what you locked inside
he became my demon too.

But he hit me differently
he made up stories
created lies
My tears shone brightly
but my screams were muffled.

You became numb
whilst I was filled with emotions
they hit me like a tidal wave
thoughts flooded my head
feelings drowned me
you couldn't hear me scream
because I was pulled underwater

then everything just stopped.
The thoughts stopped streaming.
My feelings dried up.
I thought the demon left
That he showed me mercy
I was wrong.

He showed me a different kind of pain
A pain where nothing hurts.
A pain where pain didn't exist.
Nothing did.
Not happiness.
Not anger.
All I wanted was to feel something
I begged him, I fell to my knees.
Then I found something.

Cuts created a map on my body
each destination made me feel something different
But then they started to bring me only one thing
pain.
but the pain made me smile
I smiled because I felt something
I smiled because I thought I defeated him
I made myself hurt
I controlled the pain, not him
I thought I won.