Close the curtains
Turn off the lights
Take off the make up
Hang up the costume

I’m done
Done being the girl you want
I’m done pretending
I don’t want to be an actress

This is me.
I’m imperfect
My skin isn’t flawless
And my body doesn’t look like hers.

I change everyday
Some days I can’t get out of bed
And others I feel like I can touch the sky
Sometimes I don’t know who I am.

Am I the girl who shows her colours with pride?
Or the girl who hides her scars?
Maybe I’m the girl who hides behind a book
But I’ll ever be the girl who hides behind a man.

I will find myself some day
I’ll show the colours that suit me
I’ll show the world my pain
I will be me.

But for now, I’m done
No more shame
No more fear
No more acting

I just want my liberty
I want to kiss her without fear
To wear my clothes without harassments
To be free.

Keep your eyes on the page
Don’t look away
Don’t look at the ticking clock
Or the burning fire

Keep your mind clear
Try not to think
Don’t think about the deadline
Or the rising emotions

Just stay focused
Push through the block in your mind
Ignore the buzzing in the room
Stay in the zone

Keep your eyes on the page
Stop looking
Don’t stare at the clock
Or the scorching fire

Keep your mind clear
Stop thinking
Don’t worry about the time
Or the raging emotions

Just get back to focusing
Stop staring at the block in your mind
Stop listening to the buzz
Get back in the zone

You failed.
You couldn’t stop
Time just kept on ticking
The fire became wild
And your emotions took over

How could you?
I told you what to do
All you had to do was focus
Why couldn’t you focus?

It’s your fault
You should’ve managed your time
Everyone’s disappointed
Why did you get distracted?

I’m hungry
Starving for a body I'll never obtain
Somebody save me from this pain
I just want to look like her

I’m running
Sprinting from a body that I’ll never outrun
How could I be so naïve?
I’ll never look like her

You don’t need breakfast or lunch
Have a glass of ice if your hungry
Was dinner too much?
Spend the next hour locked in the bathroom

I can reach my goals
Just a little longer
Who am I kidding?
I’ll never be skinny

Small thighs
Flat stomach
The scale tells me my weight
But the mirror shows me differently

I can look like her
I just need to push myself
No more calories
I’ll run more

I’ll never stop being hungry
Will never stop pinching my skin
The body I want is unattainable
But I’ll never stop trying.

My eyes
They hold my secrets
They shine with tears
They shine from heartbreak

My wrists
they show my pain
stained with red and white
stained with my bad choices

my heart
it pumps blood but I’m not alive
it’s been broken too many times
it doesn’t know how to love

my mouth
it’s covered by a mask
I’m the joker
my smile has been etched on

look at me
really see me
you miss all of these things
you don’t notice

hear me
listen closely
you’ll hear my cries
covered by my laughs

don’t tell me you know me
don’t tell me you know what it’s like
because you don’t
you don’t know my pain

you don’t know anything
you don’t know why my body is scarred
or why I jump when you touch me
you don’t know why I don’t eat

I’m the book you never read
You think you know me because you’ve seen the cover
But you haven’t even read the pages
You couldn’t be bothered to dig deeper

So, don’t get too close
Because you don’t know me

I like boys
They can protect me from the world
A world filled with pain and betrayal
I can wear their jumpers and t shirts
I can feel safe in their arms

I like girls
They can make me smile and forget
Forget about the tears I’ve shed
They can wear my perfume and rings
I can feel loved when holding hands

There’s nothing wrong with that, right?
All I want is love and protection
To date the pretty girls
To date the bad boys

Yet, I still get hate
To society I don’t exist
My sexuality isn’t valid
Its. Just. A. Phase

They call me greedy
They say I’m confused
Just pick, they say
Bisexuality isn’t a thing

Jokes on them
I won’t pick a side
God said Adam and Eve
So, I did both

Blue and red lights
I didn’t get to say my goodbye
Packing you up in a body bag
I’m still calling your phone

I’m sorry we didn’t get there in time
I’m sorry we didn’t take it seriously
If only I took a second to ask
If only I heard your cries

Please forgive me
Please come back
I never got to say I love you
We never got our adventures

You’ll miss so much
Your first drive
Your first love
Your graduation

Here I am
Standing in a black dress
Watching as they put you six feet under
Please come back

Why did you have to leave?
Why couldn’t you stay?
We would’ve helped you
I need you here

I can’t do this without you
You always made me laugh and smile
Don’t do this to me
Please come back

Why aren’t your bones showing?
I don’t see a gap between your thighs
You shouldn’t wear that top
That shirt isn't flattering

Calories, calories, calories
Better start watching them
I think you’ve gained a few
Do your clothes even fit you?

Push past your limits
Watching what you eat is a good thing
Its fine to skip a meal
…Or two

What do I want to look like?
Well, I want my ribs to start showing
My thighs to start thinning
and don’t even get me started on my double chin

I hate myself
I hate my body
I just want to look like her
Why do I have to look like this?

Look in the mirror and tell me what you see
Be careful about the food you eat
Cover your body, nobody wants to see that
Just be skinny!

How dare you
I don’t know you
You killed the boy I knew
You made him disappear

Who are you?
My boy would never treat me this way
Why don’t you take no?
Since when did no mean yes?

I miss my boy
He treated me like a queen
I don’t like you.
You treat me like a dog

The love he gave me
I can't find it
You use me
Make me feel like I’m just another girl

I thought you were different
My boy never would have done this
My boy would hold me
You leave me cold

My boy stood out in the crowd
He never cared about my looks
But you blend in
texting me at 12 am asking for pictures

Where is he?
What did you do to him?
Why did you do this?
I can't ever look at you the same

I’m scared
Scared of the man that stands before me
You stand where my boy stood
please leave me alone

You violate me
Leave me shaken and cold
Tear stained cheeks
I miss my boy.

Sometimes I forget,
I forget about you.
And in those few blissful moments
I'm ok.
But then your name pops up
or a song comes on
and I remember.

I remember how you made me feel,
the fear I felt.
The fear wasn't of you
but the person within you.
The one who told you things,
the one that commanded you.

That person, that demon
made me scared, he  made me cry
I heard what he told you
I felt what you locked inside
he became my demon too.

But he hit me differently
he made up stories
created lies
My tears shone brightly
but my screams were muffled.

You became numb
whilst I was filled with emotions
they hit me like a tidal wave
thoughts flooded my head
feelings drowned me
you couldn't hear me scream
because I was pulled underwater

then everything just stopped.
The thoughts stopped streaming.
My feelings dried up.
I thought the demon left
That he showed me mercy
I was wrong.

He showed me a different kind of pain
A pain where nothing hurts.
A pain where pain didn't exist.
Nothing did.
Not happiness.
Not anger.
All I wanted was to feel something
I begged him, I fell to my knees.
Then I found something.

Cuts created a map on my body
each destination made me feel something different
But then they started to bring me only one thing
pain.
but the pain made me smile
I smiled because I felt something
I smiled because I thought I defeated him
I made myself hurt
I controlled the pain, not him
I thought I won.