sometimes i think of the people i knew then
people who no longer think of me,
but i think of them
and those few experiences i had
with people and things
that changed my perspective on life
forever
i remember feeling alone
as alone as i feel now?
that's something i can't answer
in 9th grade,
i wanted to be someone else
i always did
but then i met a girl
her name i'll not say
because then it will feel too real,
and it won't just be me glorifying the worst year of my life
into poetry
this girl will never be erased from my mind
she doesn't know the impact she had on me
she doesn't know how much i secretly
hated her
but i loved her, too
it was bittersweet
i had wanted to be her friend since the 7th grade
and then i was
and then i wasn't
i smoked my first cigarette with her
well, not really
i mean, i tried to
i felt awful
disgusting
terrible
and a wannabe
then, in the sticky heat of june,
we smoked ****
i can still remember it so vividly
i remember
we got back to her house
and that's where things went downhill
i got paranoid and she started to ignore me
does she hate me?
yeah.
and that was it
next morning, she didn't really talk to me
and then i left
that was the last time i saw her
i wasn't sad
but i realize now that
i'll never have a friend like her
ever again
and i'll never experience something like
9th grade
ever again
because now i am numb and
alone
i just want to be a regular teen
go to parties,
have fun,
i don't know,
whatever happens in the movies
i guess
i want someone to love me
i want my first kiss
i want things i'm too embarrassed to say
and i will never get them
i'll never get them
goodbye 9th grade
i want to forget you
but i don't think i ever will
even though it was so long ago
all the experiences i had
that changed me forever
never again
and then i will leave this town
and never see anyone again
and it hurts to say
for some reason
all the people i used to know
our memories will stay with me
forever
but i need to go,
i need to go
i will never forget any of this,
and the nostalgia of my entire life
will always stick with me
and it will be sad
sickeningly sad
because that's just me,
thinking of people who never think of me