a mission expressed through spreadsheets, guitars powerpoints, paintbrushes fabric, calculator buttons bright colors of yarn coffee and flowers smiles at strangers and always words
here and there then and again i’ve found myself satisfied with who i found myself to be at the end of the week
i thought things were on the upswing thought that i had almost made it for two months this year i was satisfied
with fifty six hour work weeks and the bright blue blanket forming under my fingers the feeling of hope brewing when i looked in my bank account and thought about him about the home that wasn’t ours yet but would be soon
and then it began to crumble a brick or two at a time until a whole piece of the picture tumbled out
and my weeks were reduced to thirty five hours and a crippling sense of impending disaster even though everything else was still looking up
now that i have a bit of extra time i find myself low on motivation and wondering if it’s time to build a new version of myself
but i’ve reinvented myself so many times i don’t have the energy to do it again
i just want to exist
just want to fall asleep in bed at the end of the day and not wake up in the morning wanting to sleep for the rest of the day
to enjoy moving my body the way the seasons change and how the stars look at night
i’ve always been good at staying you just keep doing what you’ve been doing let your routines pull you along with them
but now i’m learning the art of leaving and i’m finding its not as hard as i thought it was
in fact you might even think of it as almost freeing
the leaving behind of what’s gotten too familiar the option to reinvent
past leavings have hurt left me reeling on cold floors fighting to get air into my lungs
but this time the leaving is quiet barely noticeable in the chilly morning dew as i let myself slip away under the gray sky that hasn’t yet realized it’s hanging over a lost town
and i don’t feel pain only the slightest twinge of bittersweet nostalgia
i’m not going to reinvent myself this time i’m going to exist and somewhere along the line i think maybe it’s myself that i’ll find