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May 2019
How I want to help you,
But at the same time, I don't want to be any anywhere near you or anyone.
I want my time alone,
And you want me.
You crave for humans,
Their touch, friends, connections,
And I am happy alone,
Away from you and everyone.

It Physically hurts me, to be around you.
It mentally stresses me, to be in your vicinity.
I count the seconds remaining, every millisecond.
It's not that I hate you.
So it's the lamest of all the reasons " It's not you, It's me"
But it is, it is what it is.
You can't change it, neither can I.

You see me with others
Happy and talking and laughing,
That's only for a while,
You don't get that,
You can only fake for a while.
Then I need to come back and remove the mask at the end of each day.
But do you want to be there with me even then?
No! It's not possible.
I am vulnerable at the Moment
Like and injured tigress,
Like a naked woman.
I don't want to be near anyone,
The least of all, You.

I told you before it is so difficult for me to be with someone for all my life,
All my day night.
You thought it was one of my naive fears.
But I know me, better than you do.
I know it can never work out.
I know I was never meant to be with " the one"
I could never be someone's "the last"
Never was the Woman who will say oh we have been together for so long I can't even remember the years.

Because I will.
I can remember every second, past my wish to be with you.
I will remember each dreadful minute spent around you.
Where you were the albatross around my neck.
Making it difficult to live or die.
Then I will think about your death.
But isn't it a sin?
Especially for someone you love,
Then it will get worse, as you won't die.
So I will think about killing.
**** you, because I'm too scared to leave.
But isn't it illegal?
I'm bound to think like that.
Only if I were not this way, can't change.

Then it'll be my biggest fear/effort,
to save you,
From me,
But who will save me,
From you?
Can you love someone but still detest their company?
Prerna Padlikar
Written by
Prerna Padlikar  25/F
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