For the longest time,
I would wonder
why,
on the mere cusp of 17,
I began to drink.

I'd always assumed it
was because I was so
sad.

But now,
while I'm sure that
sadness was most certainly
a contributing force,
I don't think
it was the true perpetrator.

See,
all the other girls
in my grade were always off
******* or getting high
or embarking on whatever
risque adventures
they'd broadcast on Snapchat
the next morning.

I think all I ever wanted
was a scandal to call my own.

I wanted to prove
something to myself--
that,
no matter what
people said about me,
I could be bad too.

~

This one time,
I bought a squirt gun
from the dollar store.

I wanted to get drunk
the way I'd watched
Cassie from Skins
get drunk
in this one episode.

So,
I filled up my gun
with *****
before holstering it
against my tongue.

Then,
I pulled the trigger.