The wall was white
Aside from the small gray crack in it
I couldn't stop staring though
Even though the sight of it never changed
I just kept watching it
Watching the crack blur in and out of focus
Kept thinking
I don't want to forget
I don't want to be okay
In those hours when I couldn't sleep
When I watched the sun sink and rise without blinking
When I was sick with regret
And longing
And hurt
I didn't want to forget it
I knew time would heal me
Knew that everyone's words were true
And I'd someday feel acceptance
Instead of grief
But I didn't want it
I wanted the gaping wound to swallow me
To live on and plague me
To carve it's way inside of me day in and day out
I needed it
That pain was all I had left of you
The howling despair
The crippling anxiety
The dull and glassy eyes
I needed those things so badly
That the thought of losing them burned me
It made my insides roil and turn
The thought of ever being okay without you
Was a thought I couldn't bear
I needed to miss you
To loathe a life you weren't a part of
I needed to long for you
So desperately that my lungs ached
And my temples were sore
I had already lost you
I couldn't lose the pain of it too
I couldn't lose that feeling
I suppose I was afraid
Afraid that if I lost that pain
Or if I forgot you for even a single day
That I'd forget about how I loved you
I didn't know it then
That kind of memory can't be lost
That love endures even after it shouldn't
Time has healed me
Wounds have closed
The months I spent agonizing passed
The rivers I cried have emptied
But the memory of you never faded
The love I have for you never dissipated
To this day, I can still see you
Still remember you
And I've learned
That there will be a thousand white walls
There will be millions of tiny cracks in them
And I will always remember the holes you left in me
But more so I'll remember the spaces you filled
I am okay
I am the very thing that terrified me
But I have not forgotten
Mourning you still lives with me
Loving you still burns in me
And memories of you still linger