anyone else here enjoy slow torture,
like backtracking months ago
in chats of failed relationships
to cringe at how strongly you
loved or seeked approval or desired
realizing how long it was unreciprocal
watching your patterns and foolishness
wishing you could stop the you
from the past from breaking the heart
of every future version of yourself
reliving the past like ptsd
watching yourself die over again
to prove it was real, that you lived, once

so I travel back months in time
to when we still spoke
and wish I could revoke every feeling
take back every word and every sentence
stop myself before I said anything nice
but the past is set in electronic cyberspace
arguably more permanent than stone

so I read and internalize every "k"
every empty emoji or moments
you were terse or upset with me
because they remind me to always
choose the one who loves me most
to play it cool and careless instead
compartmentalize it and remind myself
the one who loves more loses more
free is the one who has nothing to lose
and I'll get there too, someday soon
but until I can lose my feelings entirely
I'll keep numbing them with words
the ones you wrote to me
the ones I wrote to you
the ones you never voiced
and the ones I keep writing to this void

I'm not a ******* but you still hurt so good.