i google it at 3am because
lightless blue shadowed rooms can cover secrets
and lies.
and the glance up, look away quickly and blink blink blink

like it never happened, can hide behind my eyelids for now. because
tainted thoughts don’t qualify for pity
and wake up headache stare into space isn’t a question of how are you, it’s why are you this way?

i don’t know, i say.
i’m sorry, i say.

that my brain clutter is too much of not the right stuff and my eyes don’t look dreamy like you imagined
they would be. dripping caramel swirls and covered with a golden starry sky.
that all i have are unsteady hands and undecided eyes and uncertain everythings.

and because yes, i live
in oblivion but that doesn’t mean i enjoy it.
or that i like staring at the shine bright white between us
or the dot dot dot of our thoughts . . . willing the what ifs and if onlys to come true because

the clouds move faster than i do. hot glue face to window
until you say my name           soft on the edge of your lips

because what would happen if i hung by anything more than a thread

i google it at 3am because how else am i supposed to know.
my blood is floating with question marked uncertainties and

blurry,, blurry vision.