"Don't ruin it by talking"
I tell her as we watch my lava lamp

was it too soon
as the leaves changed we did too
that's when I noticed it, talking to my mom
I realized that things were bad since
they grew back

am I using this new girl, that's her favorite show
her warmth? her presence? her kindness?
but what I know is
you only stopped chewing your nails
when I wasn't there

these answers
if I know they don't
show up in my tears then, why, why
do I keep searching for them there
the answer to

what am I trying to replace?
as we watch my lava lamp
your warmth? your presence? your kindness?
but what I know is

right now
it isn't you.