“Dear Friend,

I’ve heard your news from someone else, I’m so sorry to hear you’re poorly”

(Your cancer makes me uncomfortable and scared it could happen to me. #scary!)

“Wishing you a speedy recovery.”

(This is me letting you know that I won’t be around for you, but I don’t want you to think I’m a ****.)

“Thinking of you.”

(I’m not thinking of you - I never do so that’s not about to change, but I think you’d like to think that I care more about you than I really do.)

“Lots of love”

(Words are cheap - this is costing me literally nothing!)

“***”

(Please don’t message me back. I really don’t give a sh*t but He is always watching, so.)

Yeah. See you in hell.