I don’t be here
Cause when I am
It’s like I’m new here
And my pain surprises me
Wakes me up
From nightmare to nightmare

I go somewhere
In my thoughts I’m lost
The comfortable kind
A drive with no destination
Coloring out of the lines
It’s easier that way
Don’t make me stay

I have rage inside of me
It comes out on my family
But mostly on myself
This constant bickering with
Me and mine

I want to give it all up sometimes

It’s as if I’m always floating
Between me and the air
Debating where is best to be
What thoughts I owe to the moment

I have guilt for the years I lost
And I have habits that I don’t
Even see most of the time
I want to scream most of the time

I keep trying to remind myself that
It’s not so serious
It’s all okay
And it all works out how it should
But that doesn’t match
The depth of what I’m feeling
It feels pretty ******* serious to me

I left myself deliberately last week
Traveled to the past and hopped on the train of
Ambivalence
Abuse
In some ways it was preferable
I know how to be abused
I know where to go and what to say
I know how to hold my body
What posture is correct

I don’t know about this other ****
This moving on
This feeling
This allowing
Accepting
My thoughts are a haven from the world of pain in my whole body
My consciousness feels tainted
My soul feels weak

I’m so sick of battling
I want to be free and the only way out is in
I know it is
And my fighting it is only making matters worse
I don’t know how not to though
I don’t know how to exist without losing myself
I don’t know how to love without becoming the other person
I don’t know how to breathe without wilting on the exhale