(tw; abandonment)

How long has it been?

So long that the number escapes me,
long enough that I've forgotten the last time I saw you,
face to face, spoke to you,
long enough that sometimes,
I forget what you look like,
how your voice sounds.

Have you changed since we last spoke?

It's not often, but on occasion,
you slip into my subconscious,
and I remember you vividly,
like it was just yesterday that I saw you,
when in reality, it's been... years.
Once, I dreamed that you hugged me.
I miss that feeling,
I miss the enveloping warmth,
the feeling of love I used to get when I was around you.

Do you dream about me?

I graduated from high school this summer.
I never thought I would,
or that I even could, but I did.
You weren't there.
I looked out into the crowd of people,
of families.
I saw mine.
But the one person I was hopeful to see wasn't there.

When did you lose interest in me?

I still have your letters.
I avoid reading them,
but I remember the promises you made in them,
the assurance that you would change,
you would be a better you and love me like I deserved.
I found it hard to write back.
I didn't know what to say.
I was young, immature.
I had the words in my head,
but putting them on paper,
that was a whole other mountain to climb,
and even for one so young,
my arms were weak
from the mountains I had already scaled,
hands calloused,
damaged from the harsh edges of the life I lived.
It was too daunting.
But, still, I hoped you would stay true to your word.

Why did you lie to me?

All this time I've spent alone,
trying to fill the void you left behind,
with anything and anyone I had access to,
and I always end up more broken than I started.
It's hard to believe that anyone will ever love me
because you didn't.

Am I unworthy of your love?

There's so much I've wanted to say to you,
and even when I try to reach out,
you have nothing to say in reply
so much will be left unresolved,
because there's a good chance we will never speak again,
that one of us will die before we can sit down and talk,
like we haven't done in so long,
but if there was one last question I could ask you,
it would be...

Do you miss me, father?