Oct 2018
It's 12:12 am, October 1st.
Just a couple of more hours till the day I came into the world 26 years ago.
I am watching videos on YouTube about random things that end up leading me here,
to write a poem about my panic attack just minutes ago.
As I write this down, straight out of my head, my eyes feel swollen and tired.
My head is throbbing and dried up tears are in my ear from laying in bed.
The stupidest, most random thing set off this horrible mental pain.
A WatchMojo video about the top most anticipated movies coming to 2019.
'So silly and dumb', I'm sure you are thinking.
It is as if someone had pulled the trigger inside.
A blast of mental anguish just hits you.
My hands are in front of my eyes, covering them, as if I consciously knew something frightening was to come.
I cry so hysterically that I can't tell what hurts more,
to keep on crying or to stop crying.
Both are painful.
My whole abdomen and legs quiver as I try to settle myself into serenity.
My thoughts began to race into marathons.
'It's almost my birthday. ******* I am getting old.
I don't talk to my father, does he even care, does he care to know if I'm dead or alive?
Why am I the only person in my O.G. group, to still have no personal society conformed accomplishments achieved?
I have no marriage, no babies, no owned property, no successful career.
I must be a disappointment to my parents, especially my loving mom.
I am such a loser seen by my family.'
This spur of the moment thoughts are still lingering there.
Creepily crawling back slowly but I keep trying to shine a light on this monster for it not to come out again.
Sadly, I know for a fact it will come right back again.
No matter how bright I shine a light on this annoying villain.
Always lurking in the dark.
Just a couple of more hours till the day I came into the world 26 years ago.
I am watching videos on YouTube about random things that end up leading me here,
to write a poem about my panic attack just minutes ago.
As I write this down, straight out of my head, my eyes feel swollen and tired.
My head is throbbing and dried up tears are in my ear from laying in bed.
The stupidest, most random thing set off this horrible mental pain.
A WatchMojo video about the top most anticipated movies coming to 2019.
'So silly and dumb', I'm sure you are thinking.
It is as if someone had pulled the trigger inside.
A blast of mental anguish just hits you.
My hands are in front of my eyes, covering them, as if I consciously knew something frightening was to come.
I cry so hysterically that I can't tell what hurts more,
to keep on crying or to stop crying.
Both are painful.
My whole abdomen and legs quiver as I try to settle myself into serenity.
My thoughts began to race into marathons.
'It's almost my birthday. ******* I am getting old.
I don't talk to my father, does he even care, does he care to know if I'm dead or alive?
Why am I the only person in my O.G. group, to still have no personal society conformed accomplishments achieved?
I have no marriage, no babies, no owned property, no successful career.
I must be a disappointment to my parents, especially my loving mom.
I am such a loser seen by my family.'
This spur of the moment thoughts are still lingering there.
Creepily crawling back slowly but I keep trying to shine a light on this monster for it not to come out again.
Sadly, I know for a fact it will come right back again.
No matter how bright I shine a light on this annoying villain.
Always lurking in the dark.
No matter how hard i try, it never goes away. It is always helpful to get help with these things I'm sure everyone thinks of. Medication has helped me so far. But if you feel that meds don't work for you, or you just need an outlet, talk to your physician, therapist, parent, friend or whoever you trust to get you through this. Always ask for help if you need it.
