Took a chance today, and dipped my toe into a
place I never dare to go. I failed. I had hoped
that that would be a nice, happy ending, seeming
tragic yet blessed with the lessons of backbone and
persistence. It’s not. It can never be. Because
I will never let it. All it is is just some
more ammunition for my machine gun head, to
tear me to shreds. Because no matter how much the
intellectual can spot the good ol’ practice-
makes-perfect motif (the idea that because
I at least tried I have made my mark in the right
direction, the clichéd, mythologized concept
that somehow I’m closer to the end of this ****),
my ****** up brain has been meticulously trained
to remind me: I failed, because I fail. I fail.
And every failure is another nail in my
coffin. A coffin that deserves a shallow grave.