When *** said
I hate myself
But
It won't show
I felt that

I remember the first time
I wrote my suicide note
I never tried
Again
After the day I wrote it

I read it back to myself
Aloud
And all I could feel
Was the urge
To my make mother
My wife
My father
All of them
Proud
Again

I didn't leave one
The first time I tried
In fact
I was too far gone
To know
How to write
My own name

And now I look at these hands
The ones that wrote
That note for me
I had intended
To leave behind

These hands
So scarred
Like the rose
That grew from concrete
With its scratched
And hardened petals

And I wonder
How I ever brought myself
To make them
Grip that cold
Gun metal

They didn't deserve that
These hands
That were here with me
Through everything
All the rain
All the pain
All the grips
All the strain
I feel the shame
I feel a change

And now
I'm learning
To love myself
For the first time
I found strength
I found hope
Within these rhymes

I don't know
If I can ever bring myself
To truly believe in God
Wholeheartedly
Without a single thought
Of doubt
Lord knows
I want to believe
But I've always had my doubts

But
Every day
That I'm awake
I still thank
Him/Her/It/Them
That I'm alive
And I made it out

And
Even though
I still hate myself
It won't show
I remember the first time
I wrote my suicide note
It goes

"I'm sorry.
Please don't blame yourself.
I did this.
I promise I will always love you.
I just could never
Love myself, too."

These hands
Didn't deserve
To have to write
Those words

Neither do yours