May 2018
The beginning of my sophomore year in high school, which was in 2011, I started realizing that I am gay. Upon realization, I started going to church more. I didn’t want to believe it, I couldn’t. The more I went though, the worse I felt. I began questioning God. Why would He make me this way if He hates me? I can’t control this. I don’t want to be unhappy trying to be someone else. This feeling continued on for about 4 years.
My freshman year in college, I had begun declaring myself agnostic. I didn’t want to completely give up the thought that there was something, but I couldn’t bring myself to think that there was. I kept questioning, why would an almighty God do this to us? Why would He make us suffer? The questions rolled every time anyone spoke of it around me. I never got into debates though. I kept my feelings to myself and always, always, always respected others’ religious beliefs.
In February of 2017, I met someone new. We became friends and slowly more. I learned that she was Catholic and I was very worried. Would this affect us? Would she hate my beliefs? We talked about it, but she did not. She understood and was very nice about it. I began asking questions though, because she seemed to understand the religion and the God I questioned so much. She answered them, I began asking more.
2 months after meeting her, I brought her home to meet my family. That Sunday she asked me if I would like to go to church with her. I was very hesitant because I hadn’t been to church in 5 years and I had never been to a Catholic church. I was nervous, but I really liked how passionate she was about her God, so I said yes.
I sat down and listened. It brought me back to when I used to attend church, but it wasn’t a bad feeling. I felt different this time, 5 years later. I felt loved, I felt at home. I wondered, “Do I only feel like this because I like this girl?” so though I told her I actually liked the service, I did not immediately tell her the questions that again started rapidly flowing through my head. I started reading up on the bible more and more. I downloaded an app to my phone that sends me daily bible verses.
I started my journey that following week, but alone. I wanted to make sure this was true. How could someone help me see this light that I didn’t want to see for so long? The truth is, it was never because I liked her so much. It was because she was passionate and her love for her God was radiant. I was impacted by that radiance.
I started attending church with her more and more, whenever I saw her. I even started attending a church that fits my own personal views a little better. I started understanding God more. I started understanding the Christian religion more. I wanted to grow in God’s light, I wanted to love again.
My freshman year in college, I had begun declaring myself agnostic. I didn’t want to completely give up the thought that there was something, but I couldn’t bring myself to think that there was. I kept questioning, why would an almighty God do this to us? Why would He make us suffer? The questions rolled every time anyone spoke of it around me. I never got into debates though. I kept my feelings to myself and always, always, always respected others’ religious beliefs.
In February of 2017, I met someone new. We became friends and slowly more. I learned that she was Catholic and I was very worried. Would this affect us? Would she hate my beliefs? We talked about it, but she did not. She understood and was very nice about it. I began asking questions though, because she seemed to understand the religion and the God I questioned so much. She answered them, I began asking more.
2 months after meeting her, I brought her home to meet my family. That Sunday she asked me if I would like to go to church with her. I was very hesitant because I hadn’t been to church in 5 years and I had never been to a Catholic church. I was nervous, but I really liked how passionate she was about her God, so I said yes.
I sat down and listened. It brought me back to when I used to attend church, but it wasn’t a bad feeling. I felt different this time, 5 years later. I felt loved, I felt at home. I wondered, “Do I only feel like this because I like this girl?” so though I told her I actually liked the service, I did not immediately tell her the questions that again started rapidly flowing through my head. I started reading up on the bible more and more. I downloaded an app to my phone that sends me daily bible verses.
I started my journey that following week, but alone. I wanted to make sure this was true. How could someone help me see this light that I didn’t want to see for so long? The truth is, it was never because I liked her so much. It was because she was passionate and her love for her God was radiant. I was impacted by that radiance.
I started attending church with her more and more, whenever I saw her. I even started attending a church that fits my own personal views a little better. I started understanding God more. I started understanding the Christian religion more. I wanted to grow in God’s light, I wanted to love again.
