It was New Years Eve
I messaged you
Saying my depression was rearing its ugly head once more

And then you messaged me
You said you were sad too
Your family was telling you to move out again

Saying you're a worthless 13-year-old
That you're nothing
And no help

I told you that I wanted to take you away from there
And you said that you'd like that
And we continued talking about our feelings

How we felt
How you are wanted
Even if you don't believe it

You wished you could restart
Reset your life, you said
Do everything over again

I tried consoling you
But you kept contradicting me
Said that you didn't want to hurt anyone

You said you felt empty
I said that I feel the same
You said you felt nothing

I suppose I should have understood then
You said you felt nothing
I should have realized that included me too

You wanted to ask me something
I said go ahead
You said it would hurt me

Hurt

Me

Huh
It should have been obvious

I said I didn't care
I said if it meant you feeling better
You should hurt me

You started backing out
I kept telling you to ask me
I kept pushing you

You first asked if my feelings were different towards you
I said of course
My feelings only grew stronger

You told me
That that was a problem

I didn't understand

You told me you felt different
I said I'd help you

You told me that I wouldn't understand
I said I'd try, learn, support you

You became unsure
Said it was destroying you
But it would hurt me

You didn't want to hurt me
But I kept pushing

I said that I had been hurt many times
That I'd get over it quickly

I was so wrong

You said it would take me a really long time
Years, even

You were so right

You asked me to guess
I wasn't correct

You kept saying it would hurt me
That you didn't want to
You didn't want to hurt me

But I begged you
Pleaded
Telling you to hurt me, demanding it

You said you didn't want to
I gave in
Saying that I wouldn't push you anymore

You said that you didn't know
I tried making a joke
Because that's what I do

And you finally told me the thing

You said you just wanted to be friends

That you needed to be alone for a while

I remember tears
I remember shaking hands typing calm words
Trying to be as composed as possible

Said okay
I kept my word
Supported this decision

I guess you bought my act
I told our friends
They were all calm

Said okay
Moved on
So did you

But I didn't
Haven't
Can't

You were right

I am hurting

But I am not going to say anything

I remember crying
Going downstairs to eat
Seeing my aunt with her boyfriend

Jealousy
Putting on a smile
Laughing when I was supposed to

Watching the New Years kisses
Messaging my cousin
Facetiming for a bit

Messaging my mom
Talking to my sister
Getting in bed

Not sleeping
Opting for crying instead
Spending the rest of the break losing sleep

Crying
Crying some more
Seeing you on my birthday to see a movie

As friends

Popcorn, hands meeting

As friends

Walking you to your front door afterwards
Awkwardly hugging
Leaving not even pretending to smile

Pity from my mom
Until she grew tired of it
Started telling me to be happier

So I keep pretending
Even now

Although I talked about it a bit with our friends

I remember the feeling I get when someone mentions you

A sort of longing
A tugging in my gut, reaching for something
Reaching for you

Not getting you
Watching you from across the cafeteria

Wanting to force you back into my life
But never being able to

I remember a dream I had
I was on a date
And you were playing the piano at the back of the restaraunt

And you were jealous

And I was happy

Because finally

After all these months you finally show signs of caring

But it was just a dream

And I just want you even more

But I'll never have you

And it's my fault