I was drowning.
I was suffocating.
I was trapped.
After he died, I lost all hope.
I lost all strength.
I lost every care I had ever developed.
I had gained weakness.
I had gained prostration.
I had inhaled and swallowed
way too many substances to destroy my
emotional and mental pain.
For some time,
I avoided the torment.
You would have never guessed I was
suffering inside.
Then one day,
I got too high on what was supposed to
make my feelings disappear,
and I started feeling
everything at once.
I was overwhelmed,
I was controlled,
I was drowning,
I was suffocating,
I was trapped.
5 hours of endless tears,
and a shaking body.
I was gripping my sheets
in the most non-pleasurable way possible.
I was staring at his picture on my phone
the entire time as I was reaching out for him, but
could no longer feel his touch.
The toll his absence had on me
was immense.
I could no longer control
any type of feeling I possibly
could have had,
and that was my fault for trying to numb all the pain.
It was the reason he got taken away from me,
fault.
Now instead of trying to get rid of the pain
for however much amount of time
in an unhealthy way,
I try to avoid it naturally.
Even a natural, healthy way will never help stop feeling.
I have to deal with the unbearable amount of pain,
and that's just the way it is.