You died today-
and by passing-you took with you
any chance I had at getting an apology
but I guess that chance was gone
when your brain was overtaken by the cancer
I knew when I saw you 15 years ago
at your grandson's baseball game-
that I would never get an apology
you didn't even recognize me-
I was your "daughter" at one time
many years ago-
I wanted to tell you then
how you had helped shape my life-
how it took me many years
of drugs-of alcohol-of feeling
like it was all my fault-many years of
failed relationships-broken marriages
years of running from and running to-
the little girl inside me that you broke
that you wounded with your drunken
late night visits to my room
How even when I knew it was not my fault
I still felt guilty-and I still struggle with that-
always taking the blame or
feeling guilt over everything-
never feeling good enough-
never feeling worthy of love-
I remember you pulling me and sis
from our beds in the dead of night-
to drag us to the front door to show mom-
that maybe she got away from the beating
that night but you would show her-
you threatened to set the house on fire-
with me, sis and you in it-
She in the front yard
with all the neighbors looking on-
was screaming for you to let us go-
that the police were coming-
and I remember thinking
at that tender age of 8-
Please just set it on fire
so I don't have to go through this anymore-
That day at the game-I looked at you
and felt sorry for you-your mind was
just beginning to go-and I saw in your eyes
that you weren't even there-and that maybe you
never really had ever been all there-
I guess-that was when I forgave you
Even without that apology