Some nights I feel a pain in my chest, beating against my rib cage, as if my heart were punching itself, as I sometimes do
My breaths grow shallow and it's hard to breathe
And I think
Tonight could be the night that I die
I could die with my heart and hipbones full of bruises, self inflicted, painted with my own brush strokes
And it's doesn't hurt as much as it should
And it's not as scary as it should be
I'm numb inside, starving my feelings until they survived off of scraps of words given to me, compliments I don't allow myself to receive
And I know that I am starving
But I still punch my stomach for growling
I tell myself that it is applauding but I know
I know
That it is not celebrating
It is crying
Yelling for help
And I want someone to hear
But I silence it with liters and liters of water
Drowning the girl in me that wants help
Drowning
And as I sink I stare at skeleton girls and worship them
Begging them
As if they could teach me how to shed my skin
Teach me how not to eat
How not to need
I am a withered plant hidden from the light
Wilted
I could be beyond help
But we'll never truly know
Until I am back in the sun