my surname means "him" but it also means strength, it means tenderness in the face of adversity, it means unravelling the knots he tied in me, it means that i no longer flinch at the sound of his voice, it means that i can speak my own name without shivering, it means that i will be me and only me and not at all him and absolutely, incredibly me forever and though he has tried to unload the burden of his own suffering upon me i will bear no weight of his