this is the prayer I have exhausted my knees over.
this is the confession I deny in front of god and the mirror.
but this is my one truth.

this I know,
this, I know.

I know how I stick my face out the car window
how I hope the night wind might give me the caress I, so ardently, long for.

i know how I beg entities to give me that release I lust so much after, in
hopes of muting my wars down to faint whimpers or silent sighs.

I know how the balm I spread over my wounds take shape of a sharp blade;
and how the blood that seeps through is like a cold river flowing over sizzling stones.

I know it all and I know it all too well.

the thing is that I can no longer withhold desperation from flooding up the bloodstream.
I can no longer hide it and if i do a second more my waves shall swallow every shore I have ever created and planted my feet firmly onto.

I am well past rock bottom and I feel as if my back was to hit it again it would feel like a soothing hand.

I feel
lonely.
I feel
like my heart has been starved of touch and tenderness for centuries.
and I feel
alone
inside each laugh is a blank stare
and I am
crying so much
I have turned into
drops and I
and I
and I
and I see the waves coming.