I can't really coherently put my thoughts in to words but I need you to know that I still miss you just the same..  

I talked with my psychiatrist today.  He says we make up scenarios in our heads and months from now we will tell our own version of our story.  He told me I shouldn't still be here, waiting for you, and I got so angry.  I was so frustrated that he wasn't listening to me.  He wasn't understanding how honorable you are or how we are different from other couples. How with us, it's always been us.  But then I remembered, denial is the first step in grieving a loss. I have known that you are gone, but it still doesn't seem real  

Soon, I'll be ******.  Not like now, where I get mad and then sad again, but I might actually feel over you.  Doesn't mean I will be, but for the time being, my heart will feel some relief. You have made me so **** vulnerable. When it comes to you, I can't tell if my emotions cloud my judgement or not.  And that ****** me off too  

Next, bargaining.  I will plead and plead for you to come back.  I will bargain anything just to feel loved by you one last time.  You, of course, decline

Depression will kick in.  I'll wonder what I could have done to make you stay.  I'll wonder if my constant begging drove you further away.  I'll need your reassurance, but it won't be there

So finally I'll accept it.  I'll accept you there, me here