Dear future husband,
I’m writing this now, because my future self might be convinced that I love you.
Might be persuaded by my desire to find true love. Problem is, it’s always just a phantom of my fantasy. Love, I mean. I want it so bad I start hallucinating. I lose myself

The truth is, I don’t know if I dare. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to set my self loose like that. Loosing control is my biggest fear, and isn’t that what love does to you? Makes you put aside all logic, and let you act upon your heart? Can I ever fully trust myself in someone elses hands? I doubt I will ever be that brave, which is why I’ll never truly love anyone. I just don’t have the capacity.

I might be in love with the idea of us, but not with you.

You see, I’ve spend years burying what my heart desires for not only you but myself. It was too late to dig up years ago, so why now? Most of the time, I don’t even want to. I build these walls for a reason. Young and pretty, but never yours. Smart, so I’ll will never let you know how I truly feel.

I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to axe my needly architected buildings down.

Some days, my mind decides to do so, but I’m simply too self destructive to take any action
All this time I've spend on becoming a selfmade woman…Would love mean giving that up? Deep down I realize volunerability is a strength, but there’s too many things thrown on top for me to see that anymore.

So my conclusion is I will never truly be able to love someone.
It would be a riot against myself.

**I was never much of a rebel.