r,
it's been a while since i've written. i guess i thought that if i didn't write, didn't talk, or even thought, you would finally leave. you still haunt me. it's been three years, and i still claim that i see you on the roads-the roads i know you're not on. it's been three years and i still imagine any day is the one-the one you call me up and just want to talk.
to make matters worse, i fell in love. we've been dating, and it's year one. i fell in love, but i didn't. it's so confusing i know.
i fell in love with him in my mind. he's perfect, r. to everyone but me, it seems like he's the one. he loves me so much, it's unimaginable. he's safe-he will always provide for me. he would do anything for me, he has no flaw.

but he's not you.

i fell in love with you with my heart a long time ago, and it seems like you still have not returned it. i pray to my God day in and day out that you would show up, that He would show me a sign. i would love to let go. i want you to be gone. how can someone not be present, but still always appear?

i'm sorry this letter is the worst one any soul has ever written. i'm sad. i'm tired. i'm done. i can't even form beautiful words to bear my heavy heart.

just know that as always, i am carrying on. i am writing, i am praying, i am crying, i am singing, i am trusting. and r, i am living. i've been choosing every day to be joyous. i've been trusting that one day this will all get figured out.

let me tell you a little secret though:
i still want to believe that you are the one.