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Tamara Fraser
Poems
Aug 2016
The Physical Loneliness
I’m worried for you.
I’m worried about what I’ve done with you.
I’ve buried you in the sand, grazed your skin with fingernail cuts;
half moons pattern your arms and back like wallpaper.
I shouldn’t succumb to this.
I’ve dragged you into a pit and stored you in a hollow.
I shouldn’t need to pick a random lover, I shouldn’t need them now,
urgently.
I shouldn’t crave the physical I know you yearn from me behind the
silence
that snakes around the room.
Behind the intensity and firmness of your face.
I wish I didn’t see it all so keenly, a sensory power I dredge up
from secluded stores and hidden vaults.
I shouldn’t have fallen into my own snare every single time you
pull closer, warm breath and lips and teeth,
and I push your chest away.
I don’t understand why I have to do this.
Puppet pulled on strings to do strange and filthy acts;
gaining strength and poise not necessary but pleasurable,
lying with you knowing I’m with company but feeling so alone,
so cold and dusty and ***** on the inside.
I lose myself in a moment, spending all the time
thinking in the moment.
I’m so wrapped up, I don’t hear you mutter to relax.
I will not do this with you, because it means
ultimately hurting one another, in particular you.
I will not try to encourage you, because me lying next to you
knowing you will hand yourself over, is like slipping on ice.
I taste blood in my mouth.
I think it’s yours.
I bled out years ago, over the bedroom and into the bathroom;
showering off filth and wetness and ****** handprints.
That lingering, thick smell of sweat and fluid and nothing.
I’m so sorry I can’t be strong enough to resist my shadows,
my faded lights and creeping tongues;
I’m so sorry I set them on you, like vultures given
the scent of already culled meat.
I am your predator, hunting amongst the heaving animals,
long into the stillness of the empty dawn.
I’m so sorry, sweet, that I will reach around and take something from you.
I’m so sorry I tried to protect you and betrayed myself.
I wanted to embrace you and welcome how you felt in my arms,
I’m sorry I just couldn’t express it.
I wanted to make sure to uncomplicate us; secure that safety you felt
with me guiding you too all those vulnerable places to touch together,
I’m sorry I just couldn’t express it.
I still long to try again.
Will you let me try again?
#depression
#anxiety
#introvert
#reflection
#sexuality
#experiences
#loveandadventure
#self-power
#ineversaywhatineedto
#oppositesasalways
Written by
Tamara Fraser
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