the accuser shakes his finger at my face and whispers, “He’s not worth it. come with me and i will show you what pleasure is. don’t you want to see? don’t you want to live?”

but what i thought was pleasure brought me death. i drowned in all of the foolishness. i tried to swim back to the place i found grace but i found that i’ve become too weak and all of my strength has left. i can almost hear the enemy laughing in the distance–

“the only promise here is death”

but God reached out His hand from the heavens and reached for me
for me, for me–
He pulled me out of my misery,
and He said, “My love, enough. please stop chasing after lying lovers, after empty promises, after broken dreams, after sin. let Me be enough for you. lean on Me, i know you’re weary.”

i could feel His heart breaking. i could almost see the warm glow of His eyes with love pouring out into mine. there is something so beautiful about a Father who faithfully reaches for His child no matter how far away she has run from Him.

He never tires
i’ve run so many miles, but i could never outrun Him
i’ve spent so much time screaming at Him about my own heart,
of how it aches, of how it hurts
but He was still there, patiently waiting for my return

“don’t you see I Am the cure?
without Me you can do nothing
without Me you can do nothing
without Me you can do nothing”

i hear Him saying, over and over
almost sad
almost begging

sometimes all i can do is sit on the floor with my head in between my knees, with sobs rocking my body like an earthquake
because sometimes all i can think of is how heavy the price was, how precious grace truly is, how much we don’t deserve it

sometimes all i can think of is You on that cross, ****** and naked and bruised, and that was me on the ground yelling curses at You
telling You to save Yourself and come down,
with a hammer and Your blood on my hands

but You loved me through it all,
through my rebellion, through my sin, through the fall
and i don’t know what else to do but let my walls come crumbling down and give You my heart, no matter how broken
my breath, no matter how shaky
my life, no matter how messy–

“I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care,” You exclaim, interrupting my apologies and my excuses
i can hear joy in Your voice, i can hear anticipation
“don’t you see this is what I wanted? don’t you know what I can do with a heart that’s surrendered, no matter how broken?”

how passionate His voice, how warm, how kind
He wraps me up in an embrace like the father did with his prodigal child
He smiled, He smiled at me, and His joy was pouring out
as if i did nothing to hurt Him, as if every wrong thing i’ve done had been cast into the sea and forgotten about

even after all of it, Lord?
after all of my sins?
do You still love me after everything?

*“daughter, don’t you know how much love I have for you in My heart?
daughter, don’t you see these holes in My hands?”