May 2016
The bitter taste you left that last time you kissed me
was nothing compared to the sour one I recognized that last time I spoke to you on the phone. I'm writing you a letter to let you know that I'm sorry for everything, and it isn't because I feel so ******* ******* alone right now. Because that would make me selfish like you said, and I cannot agree with that. But anyway, here's an apology that ***** the stability out of my hands. I'm cold as I write this and I pray to God you find comfort in even a single word I write.
I will start with August 24, 2013:
I'm sorry that I hurt myself the day after the best day of my life.
I think that I felt the warmth from yesterday escape my body too quickly and I had already began to lean on you. I'm sorry that crimson reds that dry brown are the only way I could articulate my feelings three years ago and I'm sorry that I still feel the same now.
I'm sorry I let you down.
September 23, 2013:
I'm sorry that the blade betrayed you again on this night,
but I found a breath in that moment after gasping for hours.
I remember as the blood leaked out my lower arm I longed to be in yours, remembering all the nights you stayed up ensuring I was okay.
I hated making you do that.
I'm sorry.
December 7, 2013:
I'm sorry that I cried on the first day that we had ***
because I envisioned the man who hurt me at age six.
I'm sorry the twist in my gut hurt more than the cuts on my arm that were still sore, but not because they were healing anymore
but because two days earlier you said you were sick of seeing them and to cover up.
I'm sorry you had to look at those, I know I should have covered them better but the makeup stung and the bandaids burned and I'm sorry I cried for hours.
I stopped crying about my babysitter after twenty minutes and the rest of the time I lied to you because I was still upset about what was going to happen 6 months later in June.
I'm sorry that I hurt for our entire relationship.
June 1, 2014:
I came home from work today covered in syrup, sweaty and tired.
My hair frizzed past the elastic and I looked in the mirror at my makeup and wondered who thought I looked ugly today, because that is what I felt.
So 8 months after I promised you never to hurt myself again I started panicking.
I shattered mirrors, I paced from the kitchen to my bedroom, bounced from the bed to the chair, wondering what would happen if I could just have one tiny little cut and not tell you
and so I sat on my bed and cut my arm 6 times with a pair of scissors I'd bought to make jewelry with.
and then I did not know where to begin so I started apologizing.
I started saying sorry but not telling you why I was sorry and we went out that night where you saw my arm and from that day on every time I said sorry you brought that back up.
I remember the way that I covered those 6 cuts but it stung,
I remember more the look on your face when you'd realized what I'd done.
You turned white and I do not mean it as a cliche, you lost the color in your face and I lost you that day
Although I kept you for two more years, I lost you that very second because every fight after that lead back to june 1 where I was selfish.
and I am sorry.
Fast forward fifty weeks later when I stopped breathing at the amusement park.
I'm sorry I ruined your night. I'm sorry that I picked fights just to get your attention because it was fleeting like my trust only in a way that mimics those dust bowls we learned about in grammar school.
Only they do not teach you what to do when you are what is left barren, empty.
I'm sorry I got mad that you called me fat.
I'm sorry I was fat.
I was working on it but I was too tired to go to the gym because we stayed up watching tv again. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I wanted to go to the gym but it took away time we set aside to rot away and leave imprints on the bed I cannot pretend I do not feel no matter how many times I toss and turn.
I'm sorry that I invalidated years of effort by tarnishing your reputation, the one you cared about more than your character.
I'm sorry you care about her more.
I'm sorry I had *** with you on Easter then thought it meant something because 8 months before you questioned how I could do the same when you broke my heart for the 3rd time that week.
I was weak. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I told everyone you were cruel to me becuase I was still healing from the last and bitter bruise you left on me.
I'm sorry.
was nothing compared to the sour one I recognized that last time I spoke to you on the phone. I'm writing you a letter to let you know that I'm sorry for everything, and it isn't because I feel so ******* ******* alone right now. Because that would make me selfish like you said, and I cannot agree with that. But anyway, here's an apology that ***** the stability out of my hands. I'm cold as I write this and I pray to God you find comfort in even a single word I write.
I will start with August 24, 2013:
I'm sorry that I hurt myself the day after the best day of my life.
I think that I felt the warmth from yesterday escape my body too quickly and I had already began to lean on you. I'm sorry that crimson reds that dry brown are the only way I could articulate my feelings three years ago and I'm sorry that I still feel the same now.
I'm sorry I let you down.
September 23, 2013:
I'm sorry that the blade betrayed you again on this night,
but I found a breath in that moment after gasping for hours.
I remember as the blood leaked out my lower arm I longed to be in yours, remembering all the nights you stayed up ensuring I was okay.
I hated making you do that.
I'm sorry.
December 7, 2013:
I'm sorry that I cried on the first day that we had ***
because I envisioned the man who hurt me at age six.
I'm sorry the twist in my gut hurt more than the cuts on my arm that were still sore, but not because they were healing anymore
but because two days earlier you said you were sick of seeing them and to cover up.
I'm sorry you had to look at those, I know I should have covered them better but the makeup stung and the bandaids burned and I'm sorry I cried for hours.
I stopped crying about my babysitter after twenty minutes and the rest of the time I lied to you because I was still upset about what was going to happen 6 months later in June.
I'm sorry that I hurt for our entire relationship.
June 1, 2014:
I came home from work today covered in syrup, sweaty and tired.
My hair frizzed past the elastic and I looked in the mirror at my makeup and wondered who thought I looked ugly today, because that is what I felt.
So 8 months after I promised you never to hurt myself again I started panicking.
I shattered mirrors, I paced from the kitchen to my bedroom, bounced from the bed to the chair, wondering what would happen if I could just have one tiny little cut and not tell you
and so I sat on my bed and cut my arm 6 times with a pair of scissors I'd bought to make jewelry with.
and then I did not know where to begin so I started apologizing.
I started saying sorry but not telling you why I was sorry and we went out that night where you saw my arm and from that day on every time I said sorry you brought that back up.
I remember the way that I covered those 6 cuts but it stung,
I remember more the look on your face when you'd realized what I'd done.
You turned white and I do not mean it as a cliche, you lost the color in your face and I lost you that day
Although I kept you for two more years, I lost you that very second because every fight after that lead back to june 1 where I was selfish.
and I am sorry.
Fast forward fifty weeks later when I stopped breathing at the amusement park.
I'm sorry I ruined your night. I'm sorry that I picked fights just to get your attention because it was fleeting like my trust only in a way that mimics those dust bowls we learned about in grammar school.
Only they do not teach you what to do when you are what is left barren, empty.
I'm sorry I got mad that you called me fat.
I'm sorry I was fat.
I was working on it but I was too tired to go to the gym because we stayed up watching tv again. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I wanted to go to the gym but it took away time we set aside to rot away and leave imprints on the bed I cannot pretend I do not feel no matter how many times I toss and turn.
I'm sorry that I invalidated years of effort by tarnishing your reputation, the one you cared about more than your character.
I'm sorry you care about her more.
I'm sorry I had *** with you on Easter then thought it meant something because 8 months before you questioned how I could do the same when you broke my heart for the 3rd time that week.
I was weak. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I told everyone you were cruel to me becuase I was still healing from the last and bitter bruise you left on me.
I'm sorry.
