You see that phrase above? I always hated it. I hated it with every fiber of my being. But I could never deny that was the exact kind of living I always did.

Always convinced, even conditioned, to think people would leave. To think no one would be able to feel anything but temporary love for me. That I'd always be alone, that I'd always feel unworthy, that I'd always feel afraid.

Its weird to not be afraid.

I lived so many years of my life in fear. I had everyone leave me on and off for 18 years. I couldn't possibly fathom anyone would ever stay. Why would they? I was just broken, crazy Grace. Why would anyone really want me.

Here I am today though, not afraid.

I don't feel sane. I thought I'd need that to get here. But controlled crazy isn't so bad. I actually think I prefer it. My fingers can dance across a keyboard but also still and be human. I feel ok to be crazy when I also don't feel like its eating me away. Being eaten's always the worst part. Its much nicer to sit and have a cup of tea with it.

So yes, life isn't perfect. That's another fallacy I convinced myself of; if I stopped the crazy my life would be perfect. My head was a little funny like that. Of course things aren't perfect; family stuff is a bit messy and I have flashback moments of bad childhood feelings and I haven't been able to write much. But I'm doing well in class. I finished a novel. I have people who love me and I love them. I have the best boyfriend who I always love to see. Of course things aren't perfect. But they feel like life now instead of a painful sinkhole.

I need to read more. I need to write more. I need to publish my novel and I need to graduate. But I'm on my way and I m so happy to be somewhere. I'm not where I thought I'd be when I controlled the crazy. But there is no such thing as controlling the crazy.

Best you can do is sit right down and have a nice chat and know together that's really the best.