"I'm a sad girl/I'm a bad girl//"

I'm a sad girl
but I've gotten better at controlling it.

now I only let myself get sad once Loneliness knocks on my door and invites itself in. it tends to do so past midnight, but it does enjoy keeping me on my toes. sometimes, it'll creep up on me while I'm in the car, and a song comes on the radio that reminds me of you.

I'm a bad girl
but only occasionally.

I'd like to think that I'm a total badass that can pull off the whole "I don't give a ****" attitude. but I can't.
so when you try to picture me as I tell you I'm a bad girl, don't picture me as a mysterious teenager with a taste for wild adventures.
picture me instead as the girl that lashes out at people, and is known for being a bit of a *****.

———

I'm a sad girl
and most of the time, it's because of you.

which, I suppose, might amuse you, because you do enjoy the thought that everything is about you.
but it isn't, really. not anymore.
of course, I think of you, from time to time. but I know I never cross your mind, and I don't think I ever did.
and somehow the thought of that was enough to help me make peace with what happened. I'm okay now,with letting you go. Loneliness has found other people to entertain, as have I.

I'm a bad girl
but not really.

I'm much too vulnerable for that. but I've learned that there is strength to be found in that—in weakness.
I wanted to be invincible, and who can blame me, really? isn't it every teenager's dream to be on top of the world?
but being undefeatable and creating distance between anyone that tries to get you to open up are not the same thing.

and if I had to choose, I'd rather be sad.
at least then, I know that while I'd have crazy mood swings and bursts of darkness, I'd be in full control of my feelings.
and one day, I'll be okay.