it’s like when all you want to do is be happy and get through life being happy and old memories kick you in the gut so hard that all you can think of is leaving the country and never coming back.

never coming back to the faces that will only remind me of what can never be undone never coming back to face the facts never coming back to trauma to regret and to shame shame and more shame

and the worst feeling is knowing that no one will ever understand and always being too afraid to tell anyone and will anyone ever be trustworthy enough to be able to keep my secrets or will this go to the grave with me and die there

no justice nothing but blood and dirt and the pain in my eyes and-

it’s unfair when you have a good night and then the night turns sour in the blink of an eye and suddenly you’re not basking in warmth but drowning in cold loneliness and icy guilt and dirt and dirt and so much dirt and i can’t breathe and i will never trust anyone enough

and it’s okay being alone is okay i’m okay will be okay take a deep breath will be okay life will be okay it’s over and i can forget this i will be okay even if i’m not i have to be okay