How do you make sense of these waves of consciousness holding both madness and clarity?
Somehow my hands were never full but always empty when put up to the lives of others.
A mirror spun around so many times I can't tell you what face I have to offer!
When approaching identity is at the cost of this sound mind so nice and neat.
I didn't mean to cause this Avalanche,
I just didn't feel complete.
So I delve into myself and knocked on the door that said "do not enter" convinced myself a better part of me somehow lived in there.
Never conceiving truly the idea of what laid on the other side,
When the door locked I found a different way inside...
I tore apart at my soul with a new strategy in mind,
With acid and hallucinogenics I felt I could find the beauty inside of me...

"I'm sorry I didn't know.."
When I snuck in the window to see what I was hiding,
My jaw drops and my eyes swell immediately.
I try to turn back but what has been seen has burned it's way back into my memories.
I started to speak the forbidden words aloud,
I held my hands over my mouths trying to keep my big secret from pouring out but my attempts proved futile.
With this compulsive nature I could hardly say I have any control over what I say.
With realizations only seen when I say words out loud,
Because I just don't think inside this stupid head of mine,
No but I feel so deeply and make a home for dread,
Because I'm no wise man,
I'm just a fool whose been there and back again...

All this time I thought I was numb,
doomed to never feel but when the drugs sink in to my soil *** of a head.
The appeal is so drawing and I just want to look at it.
I'm magnificent, I thought as I gazed into my soul.
I deluded myself with delusions to perceive this beautiful garden,
But when I tried tending to the garden myself,
to see if I could somehow make it any more beautiful,
I realized it was only a illusion.
The flowers were never even there..
Horrified I looked down at my hands and asked what could have caused this?
Raising the question what do I have to hide?
I felt there was something deep underneath this soil *** front,
so wretched and putrid!
What was I keeping from myself?
I've always been the honest and outspoken type so what was it?
Come on, What did I have to hide?!
Curiosity drove me to do it but a tab too many forced me into it!
I slipped into myself and down the rabbit hole I went,
"Hay man are you okay?"
"Yeah man I just had a bad trip"
I saw the truest part of my soul and cried on arrival,
The first thought that came to mind I spoke aloud,
"Well this is going to be hard to accept"
I said absolutely emotionless...

To tell you the truth,
My decent into madness was like waiting for a train,
You could see the tracks shaking and knew that it was coming soon.
You take out a photo of your beloved mother,
But The photograph of her you that kept in your chest pocket was no longer yours,
The ground had ate her but on the back of the photograph reads,
"Be back sooner than you think, I love you but Vegas makes me feel more complete"
This was the first lie I ever told myself,
It was a good imitation of her hand writing but only wishful thinking at best,
But what I didn't know was that a simple thought could throw me into madness,
As I deluded the truth and didn't accept what was in front of my face,
A horrific reality had such a cruel embrace!
And I was not ready for the taste of the concrete that paved rock bottom,
So I let go of the string that kept my mind close by.
I was always the artistic and creative type,
My friends all described me as poetic.
So I wanted to stay by their side ya know?
So I started to think in a factual manner even though it was killing me,
and all the lessons I had learned were derived from my past mistakes,
So I went out looking trying to find if I had skipped over any lessons,
But what I didn't realize I blacked out parts of my memory to protect the image of self in mind until I partook into this journey.
I saw myself screaming "when is mother getting back from Vegas, I hate you all and I just want her to come back!"
In my mind Vegas was not heaven but a location,
In my mind I didn't break down crying in front of a funeral,
Not able to accept how cruel and sudden reality could be.
In my mind she didn't sink into the depths of my forgetful memory,
She was still very much alive but away at the same time.
I couldn't bare the thought of decay taking plague on her vessel.
I realized with a mind like mine you have a tendency to scribble out and rewrite without even noticing.
Her death was ten years ago and if I'm being horribly honest.. I don't even remember her at all...

See I lose people inside my dysfunctional head so I grip onto the ones I have left in the present,
But life is ripping us apart so fast as I tear into my soul to keep hold of them.
The memories I treasure they all fade,
Even the memories that **** me are erased.
See nothing was safe inside my head except for me,
I guess I treasured identity and the ground I keep.
For it's like a room that you tidy up compulsively,
Anything unflattering gets thrown away and is never to be seen.
I guess that's why I talk about my accident so much,
When a madman came and struck me with his truck,
I even saved someone's life but let's not talk about that,
He went on and did some horrible and inhuman things and that's all I can say,
I don't speak aloud what I don't want to recall,
And I wait for my mind to come and sweep the walls.
So I can rid of this attachment that connects me to you,
So I can be pure and free from this up bringing!
But I was good and I did the right thing,
I slam my fist into my head at the thought of the stain!
For there is damage done but I don't want to forget what actually happened,
so I pry my minds eye wide open and all I see is pain and torture,
The skew of life,
Tainted and mutilated,
The twisted curve of fate...
Really I can deal with my own heart break but what good was my own happiness if I couldn't truthfully share it with others?
I needed others to be happy in such a selfish way,
So I rejected happiness and let go of the restraints I placed upon myself.


I gazed into my soul long and hard,
I guess I saw the potential in the black coal,
and even thought I could make a diamond,
I began to write a book and told everyone about it,
"A comma madman period"
I had picked out the name before I even began to write it.
I think it was my ****** up way of telling the truth to myself,
That somehow I knew but my conscious mind was overlooking it.
Youth filled experience,
The breath taking fulfillment,
I described it as a coming of age,
But it was more like being sentenced to life when the voices started going off in my head again,
The steal bars or my mind closing in,
And I suddenly in terror I remembered every time they went off before,
Every single memory I tried to erase...

How do you make sense of these waves of consciousness holding both madness and clarity?
I wanted to be wise honestly,
But I was no wise man,
I was a fool who had been there and back again.
If there is at all a lesson that I can pick apart from this madness,
It is to never break in when the door in your mind says "do not enter"
You'll find yourself at a train station separate from reality,
A real cold desolate place as the tracks begin to shake,
And you're shown your entire life in full as the train passes and you look in on the windows.
The silver winds grab you and **** you dry of experience and passion,
Because when you see your life in full  how can you pretend to be excited again?