For the first time I am comfortable. I do not worry. This will not leave.

When I talk about loving you it is not in the way that we taught to feel it conventionally. Or, I should say that others do? I don’t think that that way is real. I think that is how others comfort themselves, with trickery, because they have been told that that is what it is. So when I use that word, it is because I have no better one in which to say how I feel in a short sentiment.

Love is what all the literature, art, music and poetry speak of, but not in the way it seems. It is just an attempt to portray something that is unportrayable, after all why would so many write or create on it. It is just their expressions of something that they try to reconcile.

And people, they see this portrayal and they think that they understand it’s meaning, and they allude that they experience it. I don’t think they do, they don’t understand it, for them it is merely a finite thing with conventionally imposed limitations and it’s not free in any sense of the word. For them it costs. That is not love. But they believe it so, and that is not their faults. They settle in this. And the swells might come and go, but they never remain without a degree of effort. That is not what I mean when I use the word love. There should be no active effort involved.

I have loved before, in that sense and it never holds me past a while. The lack of realness behind it doesn't elude me for too long. But, I find myself happy to believe in the idea for a while at least. Like a vacation away from me. Yet, I always have to return home to myself and it has always been the most lonely journey back to the homestead where there is only me waiting for me. Although, it is always nice to vacation with someone for a small while, if only for the small moments where I am able to forget that I am alone. And, I have always resented that I can see it and others cannot even notice how alone they are here. Almost as though they are naturally obligated to feel that they are not. I find myself equally happy for them that they cannot see it. Happy so much that the realisation and guilt of pretending does never bare to touch them.

And this, it doesn't have suitable words and so I end up using the only one I can find that at the very least has a single gram of aptness for purpose. Yet, it remains to fall so very short and in so many ways only serves to misrepresent what I really feel about you, about us, about this. This is what I mean when I say that I have never loved this honestly, and that is because I never truly have. And that is the only thing I can define this as, because it fails to fit into anything and nothing comes close. So it must be? I have no other to compare it to and I am so blind. And I wish I was able to explain it to you so you would understand the truth in it with me.

I don’t want you to be fuzzy in it, or worry that you have guilt in mistreating me because you feel that you cannot mirror it.

Believe me when I tell you that my affections are not misplaced by any degree. I think that you do. In your way. Perfectly. And if we keep trying to understand this within our definitions from convention we never will be able too. I don’t think we are meant to even.

When you talk to me (I mean in any exchange) it is like I can touch you and in anyone I could talk to them and never be able to, not really. I look at them and it is like everything is at the front and if I look passed that there is nothing behind it. I’m not saying that they are less. Just that I cannot see, because for me there is nothing else to see. It’s a blankness that I find uncomfortable. Since there is nothing behind it, there is nothing for me to get close to, and with you, I am so close I feel like I can just reach a fraction to touch you.

I am not on vacation with you, I am still at home.

You said I was a stray, you might have been right. But now, I am not a stray. I have a pack, I am not alone, and I am free to come and go as I choose.

I couldn't have asked for this.

It is effortless.

It doesn't have gravity, well.

I don’t think I would have conceived that it existed.

I would have laughed at the idea, and called it foolish.

I don’t have any fear in it, because I know in the depths of me that it will remain, and that like you said, if there is others, it will lull but it will not change, it will always be there after. My love is the idea of that closeness, and being completely at peace with that, and these words still fail me.

But I just know that my soul sings for it.

And I am so glad for you existing.