Slam 1: Forward

Forward is a difficult direction to move towards. Walking away from him is moving forward But staying with him is moving backward And ten steps towards the bottle is moving backward And ten steps away from the bottle is moving forward. So how do you know what way to point your compass when the direction you're told to go in is completely arbitrary? When I was younger moving forward meant success. Getting A’s and B’s and staying out of trouble. But as I grew up the little details that used to be irrelevant started twisting the path and what was once a straight shot is now a complicated maze of dead ends and trolls under bridges. Moving forward was put on hold when puberty set in and the idea of body image made me obsessed with every mark and shape of my skin. When boys were no longer gross but objects of affection. When friends became more than friends and best friends was synonymous with jealousy. Moving forward became more fuzzy when a new substance was introduced to me that made walking in a straight line more difficult than usual but when it got dark I wasn’t so scared of what lay on either side of me. Moving forward became more interesting when you could inhale giggles and laziness or melt rainbows and dreams onto your tongue. Moving forward was stopped completely the second time my best friend was raped and I had to leave my path to hold her hand as she tried to move forward on her own. Moving forward slowed once I made it back to my own road but checked behind my shoulder every few seconds because I now understood that there are really shitty people in this world. Moving forward complicated itself when love became the ultimate distraction. When I stopped mid journey to take the scenic route in another human being and thought I was still moving forward but actually was getting hopelessly lost. Then he left me in the thickest part of the forest and I started to move backwards to retrace sunken steps in a ground I was too naïve to realize was muddy the first time I had walked it. And I have to come to the realization that moving on and moving forwards are not the same thing because my feet can place themselves one in front of the other all day long but it does not mean that my heart drags far behind in a state of helpless nostalgia that moving due north will not solve. Soon enough distractions no longer sway me from my path. My surroundings are a blur because everything that makes me full of light I have already passed and I am told over and over again to keep moving forward. So I will no longer stray. I will keep my eyes on the horizon and hope the soles of my shoes along with my spirit do not wear down before I arrive at my destination. I have no idea of where I am going but maybe if I keep moving in the direction that is “forward” I will get there And maybe one day arrive somewhere that makes me feel whole again.

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Written by

eliza-parkerul

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