the phrase
'moving on'
doesn't quite put it,
when you're stuck on a boat
tucked into an empty shore.

despite the clear day,
my heart still looks for you
in the hot, painful, specks of sand
and in the softest waves of calm,
my heart still aches for you.

how can i move on,
when you never left?
you anchored me down
and yet the mention of you lifts me up,
in ways no wave could ever do.

what's the use
being jack of all trades
i'm mediocre at best
i'm too greedy
i'm afraid
having no focus
when everything feels like a test
i'm mediocre at best
i'm mediocre at best

who am i?
i don't know
sometimes i feel like i'm just
putting on a show

3:09am,
the seemingly mundane moments
had brought me closer to you,
and they remind me of how human i am
to be able to love someone this much,
to be able to immensely love you.

what happened?
why are we surprised that it all ended?
i liked you because you loved me,
and not the other way around.

i miss
the life i wished to live
the life i wished to live with you
is it weird
to miss the despondency
to miss what i was used to?
there was something
addictive
something good in that darkness,
a small ray of light
in you.

i told you i loved you
at least i got that out of my chest
but half of it was in the context you expected
and the other half i kept with me

i see you lurking in my dreams,
and when crossing the street
as a car speeds by,
i also picture you in my isolation,
neatly packaged in bottles,
sometimes there is no one else but you there,
as you are in my past
and in my present
and both fortunately yet unfortunately,
you lie in my future.
i think i want you,
but
no one ever truly does.

when i was a kid,
i was convinced through guilt,
tricking myself to feel your presence,
to speak to you,
to feel you by my side.

when i was a kid,
i was taught i'd go to hell,
i was taught to keep my head down,
because i can't rest my eyes upon you,
because you were only ever up there.

when i grew up,
You lifted my chin,
opened my eyes and showed me,
You brought angels by my side
and You never ****** me.

when i grew up,
You helped me realize,
that every step of the way,
that every person I had met,
brought me closer to You.

i haven't had the confidence lately
to talk like this,
to write like this,
i haven't had the confidence lately
to be myself.
sure, you still see me expressing,
but that's only surface level,
and sometimes the laughter
goes the opposite end
and i'm really not fine.

sometimes i can't even tell anymore,
what's me and what's my image,
am i saying this just for the internet
to like comment praise and share?
i'm losing myself in a complex of codes
that aren't even tangible,
yet hold a heavy place in everyone's
hearts and minds and souls.

the internet is supposed to empower me,
that's what i felt before, being able to share everything,
but now i have to be so careful,
to preserve myself,
to preserve my thoughts,
that i feel caged and anxious by the thousands of cursors
scrolling through.

i guess what i'm trying to say is
how do i get my voice back?
when i've become so mute
yet i just type and type and type
and lose myself among the keys,
and lose myself among the clicks and views.