Go on
Tell me I’m lying
Tell me I’m making it up
Like I make everything else up
Look me in the eyes
LOOK ME IN THE EYES
AND TELL ME I’M LYING
I’M ALWAYS LYING, AREN’T I

It’s always somehow me
Always my problem
My fault
Scapegoat
Scapegoat
Scapegoat
Ungrateful
Brat
Who doesn’t see all that you do for me
My fault
My bad
For not being ok
I must be lying
Because you’re perfect

If I’m such a liar
Why do you spew all that **** about trust
If you already think I’m faking everything
Why should I tell you the truth
The biggest lie I tell you is that
I’m fine
Because the second I’m not
I’m being a bad daughter
I’m overreacting
Ungrateful
Doesn’t matter how many times I say thank you
“Ava, it’s just a napkin, you don’t have to thank me four times”
Doesn’t matter how much I say I’m sorry
“Ava, it was an accident, all you did was spill some water, it’s not a big deal”

Don’t mind me
It’s my fault
Right?
My fault for wanting to talk to somebody
Who cares
A rarity
My bad for trusting people with my secrets
I’ve learned my lesson now
But I’m not isolated by choice
My fault
My fault
I hate being so smart
If I had a little less common sense
I’d run away
But that would be my fault too

Will it still be my fault
When I leave
And never
Return?

I feel trapped in this place
So, so trapped.
It's like a prison I fear I will never escape
But I will
and when I do, I'm not coming back

I have grown so accustomed to hiding
knowing that I won't be accepted
pretending to be someone I'm not
that I don't know who I am
I pretend to be fine because if I say I'm not they invalidate me
But they still always ask if I'm fine
I want to scream "no, I'm not, and it's all your fault"
But I never scream, only on paper
paper doesn't judge

I am funny and kind
always encouraging everyone
because I'm so desperate for someone to do the same for me
but they never do
I itch to show people my poems, my writing, my music
but when I did, back when I was naive
nobody
cared
so now I sit in silence and wonder if it's good enough
wonder if anyone will ever care

I know all this is for a purpose
know it will be better in the end
but it hurts so much
Metamorphosis
and sometimes,
I just want to be a caterpillar again

I love being plural
I couldn't do this without them
but sometimes I long to be whole
because at least then I'd know myself

I feel the need to hide everything
I trust no one
Every slight movement or sound I flinch
ready to hide
to lie

I've become manipulative
I've stopped feeling remorse
I lie whenever I feel like it
for my own gain and safety
I am ruthless
disguised by kindness
always doing everything for other people
but knowing I'll do whatever needs to be done to survive

I'm burning out
I'm tired of people
there's only one person in this whole world I actually
want
to talk to
but she'll never see me as more than a friend
I hate being social
I'm irritable
I hide in my room
and daydream about the apocalypse
because to me
it means freedom

I hide in my fantasies
and refuse to come out
escapism is my addiction
I do nothing else
I rot in bed all day
chronically online
because what else is there to do
I've lost all motivation
to do anything with my life
all I do is daydream and scroll
It used to bother me
but now I don't care about much of anything

I'm falling apart
Each year I look back on what was my biggest problem and laugh
because in hindsight it was nothing compared to now
I'm in danger
I'm a danger
but I can't tell anyone
I've learned my lesson
constant betrayal
by the only people I ever trusted
hurts more than I expected

fantasies are no longer enough
I'm going crazy
actually
literally
crazy
and I'm afraid
so afraid
I'll do something terrible

All I want is to go home
ALL I WANT IS TO GO HOME
but I can't
and it feels like a phantom limb
it's been a year
IT'S BEEN A YEAR
how am I going to do this?

I still hold on to hope
that we'll be ok
that everything will turn out for the best
that God is watching out for me
but right now
in the wretched present
everything is going to ****
how much longer can I hold on?

What am I doing?

"I know how they feel. I've been there. I've been crazy. It's kind of... amazing, really."

A sharp exhale
Finally breathe again!
Madness, madness
is the world
ending
or beginning,
do you think?
Apocalypse
Apocalypse
Genesis
Exodus
The freedom
of madness

Wild
like a child
running running running
without end or goal or any intention
just running running running for the sake of going faster
for the sake of feeling free
rolling through the grass
in the snow
down a hill
frolicking, flying
dizzy dizzy dizzy
frolic ever faster
laughter tearing through the throat
of the free and wild child
child, child
children of madness
children of madness are we
and we are free

Sanity
a state
a rule
or simply just a construct
meant to keep us from seeing
to keep us stuck in black-and-white
and blurry lines and boring bricks
where really there is so much more
a dozen other colors that only the mad can see
A whole new kind of magic
that only the insane believe
a magic that tells us NEVER STOP!
Never stop running
We have learned to scream silently
to hide our tears and pain
only the madmen know
they know, they know, they see
screams are meant to be screamed
scream scream scream for all to hear
and maybe they'll start screaming too

They fear us
(the sane do)
they fear our invincible majesty
As we glow in wild colors
that blind their fragile eyes
we pity them
for they have forgotten
they've forgotten!
How to see or hear or feel
we try, we try to teach them how
but they no longer speak our language
instead they watch with wary eyes
watch us like wild animals
for they still see themselves as human
they still see themselves as prey
they think we're crazy
we're enlightened!
We know what we are meant to do
who they call Monsters we call friends
and howl howl howl at the moon together

Madness, madness, madness, madness
We scream we scream with all we see
all the ways the people falter
held hostage by ghosts with no real power
but the power of fear
we laugh in the face of danger and evil
for we are unstoppable!
We are monsters! and we are animals!
but we have more soul than the sane could ever dream of
the freedom
the freedom
of madness

I give everyone
Everything
I try so hard
Care so much
Give so selflessly
For what?

Nobody
Cares about me
The way I care about them

No one
Ever
Does anything
For me

They expect
So
Much
Of me

Ask for so
Much

And never give anything in return

Everyone betrays me
Everyone
EVERYONE
I’m better off alone

To all those who need to hear this:

Why give up now?
Why now, when your life is about to begin?

We don’t give up, love
Say it with me
WE DON’T GIVE UP!

The air smelled different there
crisp and wild and filled of nature
and sharp wind
and adventure

It was a paradox
blazing sun and billowing snow
cool air piercing through everything
in disregard to seasons and logic

Towering mountains
and nature's monuments
built of harsh rocks
weathered by time

The trails beneath my feet
as I ran and climbed
I saw
something I long to return to

I understood
I understood!
something, something
will I ever return?

I could taste it
the flurrying fall wind
drops of honeysuckle on my tongue
and pine needles
and the sharpness in my throat as I climbed higher and higher
and the air grew thin

Birds crying
children laughing
the rustle of a deer or a rabbit in the woods
the soft caressing of the trees
leaves rustling
cicadas' percussion and clickers' buzzing melody

There
I understood
who I was