Is it bad that I want to experience heartbreak? I want to fall deeply in love just to see how they would shatter me. I want to depend on that person like oxygen and have them cut off until I turn blue. I want them to destroy my very hope for life, because in the darkness blooms the light that shines the brightest  and shows the way. I believe that I could never reach my highest without first going through the low. I believe I will never be able to make a women happy until I know what's it's like to be miserable.
Out of the ash of heartbreak a Phoenix who blooms brighter than the sun will rise once more. For as Christians we are called to die to know real love, so why would the rules change for love? Don't we have to have nothing to be able to know exactly what we deserve? Don't we have to go through much adversity to know the slightest sight of triumph? You cut your hair to make it grow, and forest fires bloom beauty, why would love be any different?

Morning arrives...

uninvited

illuminating both
my
empty arms

and

heart.

I remember walking home from school with you in eighth grade
being silly and naive as always
I told you I liked that necklace you wore
Not thinking much of anything
and you gave it to me
It smelled a little like grapes
which made me giggle
and a lot like you
which made me smile
I tried to return it
because it wasn't really mine
but you insisted I keep it
and thank God you did

I wore it every day
until we broke up
I thought of burning it
or simply throwing it away
But every time I tried
I couldn't bring myself to do it
So I shoved it in a blue box
hidden under my dresser
forgot it existed
forgot you existed.

I hadn't seen you in a year
when you told me you missed me
I missed you too.
I hadn't seen you in a year
when you told me you still loved me
I still love you too

I blew the dust off that blue box
picked up that simple beaded necklace
a little wooden turtle
it still smelled like grapes
and you

Three and a half years later
we talk on the phone for hours before going to sleep
I fiddle with that necklace while we talk
while I listen to your laugh
your stories
your voice
because it's all I have of you to hold
It doesn't smell like you anymore
because I wear it every single day
thats okay
because it reminds me
of everything we've been
of everything we will be
just because
this little turtle necklace
reminds me
how much I love you
and
how much
you love me.

im not even
sorry