Looks are very deceiving.

They see peace and happiness.
There's chaos happening inside.

A ray of sunshine that smiles.
But a heart breaking every beat.

Surrounded by people.
But completely alone.

I’m sweating,
Regretting,
Breath is unsteady.

Nervous,
Worried,
Thoughts in a scurry.

But you’re ready,
You’ve prepared.
These thoughts
Need to be shared.

Pacing,
Back and forth.
Like wine,
Pop the cork.

I can’t do this,
I can’t do this,
Says fear in my ear.
You’re but a little girl
A scared little deer.

Shut up!
Don’t say that!
Say what?
That!

I’m ok
No you’re not
Yes I am
No you’re not.

Pacing and pacing,
Heart consistently racing.

Nerves
Fear
Worry
Doubt.

Frustration
Opportunity,
Trying to get out.

I walk into the restroom
And take a good look at you.
You’ve got this,
You’re a warrior,
Ready to strike .

But then fear grabs a hold of me
And wraps me in tight.

You can’t do this
You’re crazy
They’ll never say yes.
Oh you think that you’re confident
Because you bought that new dress.

You’re a fraud
A fake
A sheep in disguise.
You hide behind those fancy clothes
Covered in lies.

Shut up!
You’ve got this,
Grab hold of your strength.
Keep your confidence high
To a limitless length.

Now push your shoulders back
And lift your head high
Place one foot in front of the other
And let’s give this a try.

I leave the restroom
With my heels hitting the floor
I make a left turn
And knock on my bosses door.

“Did you have a moment to talk,
About my position?
I have a suggestion
If you have the time to listen”.

I swallow down my fear
As my boss motions me to sit
I close the door,
“This is it”!

I walk onto the dark balcony and feel the warm Florida air hug me like an old friend. I creep over to the edge and look down. Fear sets in. It’s late. But I text my best guy friend back home and ask him if he thinks I’ll die from four stories up if I decide to jump. Without missing a beat he writes back and says I may survive the fall. With that information in tow, I sit back in my Tommy Bahama beach chair and **** my self slowly, by lighting a Marlboro Light.

Let go of control.
*******. At this exact moment. I just become utterly scared of starting over with someone new and the fact you won't be near me anymore.

I just feel so sad. I'm sitting in my car cryin after work. It's storming. He wants to come up to Jacksonville and I want to say yes. But I know it's wrong. I just want the comfort of having someone near me to touch me. I feel so alone. I miss my family but I don't want to talk to them because I just feel like a disappointment. I heard some ******* the phone tell the other person she loves them. I just want to be ok. I want to feel ok. I want to stop crying. I want to feel normal. I don't want to be tired. I don't know when I'm supposed to be done healing.

I feel like I'm running in circles. I think I need to let this thing fade away slowly. I think I'm grasping at thin straws right now. I hate being the only one who takes the initiative and makes the effort. I understand he wants to go slow but I'd like him to do something. I don't know. I'm trying to follow with my heart and emotion and that is proving to be hard. I just wish I knew where I stood. I am not going to text him first this week and I will see if he makes plans to see me. Just seems like he is too busy and I might be making it too easy for him. I just don't like playing games. If I want to text you, then I'm going to text you. But I guess I have to resort to being a ******* child because of that. Just *****.