November 22 2017
19:09

Always out of nowhere
I'll receive a message from you somewhere
online or offline
It doesn't matter
You always appear out of nowhere
What was your drama last night?
Maybe you just want to get through the night
Maybe you just want to use me so you could have a fight
That maybe through me, you will find, again, the light
In this fight, I always give in and give up
But my heart for you has long been stopped
What can I do but to shut you up
Out of sight, out of mind
I will never make you see the light
I am here to hear your thoughts and play your game
But there is no way that you will ever win your game, again
I am tired of being used and abused for my kindness
I'd rather be made of stone, and be loveless
I don't want to be with your company that is hopeless
I want to talk to you, I want to be your friend
I don't know what you want from me, but I don't wanna fail with you, in the end
The light is dark, I will fight with light
The light is dark, but I will survive the fight
There you are again, you read my message at 09:02 AM
You were gonna wait for my call
Well, guess what, you did not heed my call
I don't wanna play your game, again
I don't wanna be insane, again
Out of sight, out of mind
says the other Incubus song tonight
Promises, Promises
I'll let myself be the boss of everyone but myself
I will not call, I will not message
Oh, please, message me first so I could have the last laughter
It will be fun to converse with you
See through you, know your concerns and challenges
Guess what, I won't be a part of the cake you will slice
Every time you show up
It feels like a dream, not a good dream I want to have though
It's a dream I don't want to have
Every time your name pops up
I feel like it's a different time
I look everywhere, look at my watch and people everywhere
I cannot believe what an abusive person you are

October 25 2017
20:40

Little by little
I can now accept
I should not win a hurdle
I should just take a step

Little by little
I can now accept
The mistakes I make
They should not be baked

Little by little
I can now accept
I cannot change the things I already made
But I can make the present better for my sake

Little by little
I can now accept
I can change the course of my life for the best
I just have to look back and learn from my past

Little by little
I can now accept
1 + 0 has 1 as the sum
I am unique, oh, how perfectly imperfect I am!

Little by little
I can now accept
How better I am today
There is no way that I could be worse than yesterday

Longing for connection
Where do I put this affection?
Been waiting ever since that day I started waiting
Still waiting even though someone was there
Grieving while being together
Feeling stuck even before I became free
Negativity envelopes me
I ask myself, why being alone makes me more in touched with myself
I do not know where to go?
where will I meet you?
Should I go to the one loving me or loving you
I hope that someday you will see through me
See that I'm the only one for you

August 6 2019
18:37

Traffic is heavy
My stomach is empty
Making poems while on the van
Maybe, make use of my time for something fun
Maybe, I will ping someone this weekend
Let us see, if we both, are not busy
Maybe, we can get together
Maybe, we can play the guitar forever

October 20 2017

When I see you
All I could think about is you
When I see you
I hope that what I imagine for us becomes true
I hold you dear in my heart
I pray to God that you will see me in your heart
I pray everyday that someday you will think of me
I pray that you will find me, and stay with me eventually
I do not display my affection
But I want you to know of my affection
Tell me what I can do to make you notice me
Give me a hint that someday you will like me, too
I joke about how I feel about you
Your pictures motivate me to go and find you
This is not yet love but somewhere between admiration and affection
No. This is not lust or love
Again, what I feel about you is between admiration and affection
If in the future you will like someone
In gender, in beliefs, I hope it is not a girl like me
It would definitely be acceptable if you will like someone like you
At least I know that in you, there is fluidity
And what I hear from everyone is true.

August 23 2019 |  16:45

Tell me to walk, I will jog
Tell me to run, I will sprint
Tell me to be with you, I will fly
If the first phrases are the things you want me to do
I'll do it wholeheartedly...
...more than 100%
...It is the reality, it is TRUE

If there is a thousand miles between us, I'll close it
If you are at the top, I will build stairs
If you are on the ground, I'll go down the rope
If this is what is left to do...
Like a soldier, I'll follow the order
... more than 100%
... It's the TRUTH

If I run out of words to say
and all that is left to do is to hold you
then I'll hold you forever...
...more than 100%
... It is TRUE

I want to be the only rose from all your Lilies
I want to be the only sunflower from all your Cattleyas
To all the girls you've loved before, I want to be the one that happened after
If all these aren't enough...
Let me find another way to show you my love.

"I don't hold on to the tail of your kite"
Says the Tori Amos song I sing every night
Telling myself I won't hold on to anyone, and then, there is YOU
Tell me, again, why did I just check my phone at 8:22?

September 29 2017
17:30

Should I turn my back?
Should I leap?
Should I walk?
Should I be taken aback?

Should I say, YES to this awesome friendship?
Should I say, YES to this sweet fate?
Should I choose to be happy or sad?
Should I choose whatever is in my hand that lands?

I like the directness, swiftness, and smoothness of your words
The sweetness of your jokes, the cuteness of your face when you talk
Your approach to life is something I really like
Should I choose whatever is in my hand that lands tonight?

Should I leave everything to fate?
Where will you be, from now, after the earth has revolved around the sun twice?
Should I give you an embrace, freedom, or escape?
Where will you be, from now, after the earth has revolved around the sun twice?

Someone told me
The past will always be a part of him
He will never forget his past
He will just learn to accept it
He will never forget his past
No matter how many times he changes the color of his walls
No matter how many times he falls
He will just learn how to make his memory obscure
Even if he changes the arrangement of the furniture
I agree with him
The past will never be forgotten
Unless you have amnesia, Alzheimer's or something
Never ask the present if he already forgot his past
Never expect that even a memory will be forgotten
When the present leaves you
The present becomes your past
Do not hold on to the past
Unless, you are ready to not make a future out of your present
If, by any chance, you cannot admit your past
You do not have a choice but to let go and move on
The sun does not stop shining just because your eyes are crying
The river does not stop flowing just because your life is challenging
Learn to ride a boat
Learn to steer it to wherever you want to go
Your past will not make the oars move for you
NO ONE is responsible but YOU.

You left before I walk towards you
You turned your back before I run after you
I do not know what to do
Why is everything not on cue
Flowers are sweet
They get your inspired
They wipe all your tears
Yet, they open your fears
They all wither and die
Just hoping, and wishing the love will not die
Forever is the a dream
A dream is unreachable like the stars
Stars you can only love from afar

October 25 2017
23:32

I am excited for what is to come
I cannot wait for the weaknesses I will overcome
I am looking forward to challenges
I am ever so grateful of the strengths that will root from my weaknesses

I cannot wait to travel alone
I cannot wait to move far away from home
I listen to the old songs I like
I look forward to how travelling and leaving alone feels like

Away from everything that is going to harm me
Away from everyone that has an effect on me
Away from the chaos, noise and wildness
The organized wilderness I reminisced

I picture myself playing the guitar
I look forward to flowers and butterflies I will encounter
In the garden, I will have tons of photos taken
I love this feeling and I'm never mistaken.

I love the risks, the challenges my soon-to-be experiences will give
I bet, I'll have tons of things to ponder
I love how things will try to shake me
I love how I will resist each shake and stand up loud and proud

I love it that I look forward to Friday just to watch a movie
I look forward to watching Underworld: The Blood Wars
The next line is not gonna rhyme with "wars"
I do not care, let's start a war, then.

I think of the future
I think of how positive and negative I can be
I cherish the optimism I find in my pessimism
I'm forever mesmerized by whatever is yet to come.

November 04 2017
21:04

I'm hesitant of the things I'll do in my destination
There is something joyful in this transportation
I do not want this bus ride to end...
and, yet, I feel like this trip will help me transcend.
I'm excited to get off this bus
I'm eager to finish all my deliverable down to the last.
I look forward to seeing my destination
Yet I crave to come back home using this same means of transportation.

I just cannot stop
The accumulation has to stop
The beauty of the sounds
The security it provides
Cannot be achieved by the digital copies I am bound
Is it just me, or the CD just provides better quality
This is yet to be done
I do not mind publishing this even if it is not yet over
Accumulate-Rip-Trasfer-Save
The action is on repeat
The process is monotonous
Ha! As long as the action repeats sound accuracy
What do I know about sounds?
What do I know about music?
I could not even recognize the bass lines or chords of most songs
Ha! I just know that sounds are better when the CD plays
It is the sense of security it provides
Better than online music streaming
My ears are beaming of confidence and certainty.
Again, this is yet to be completed
I will publish it anyway...
to be continued... the song is on repeat
The artist is the same, the emotion is the same
The beauty of the sounds is on repeat.
Stop.
Play.
Fast Forward.
Rewind.
Stop.
Repeat.
Play.
... and I will repeat, one more time. go.
The lines are poorly written
The rhymes lack decency and coherence
I don't mind.
I will publish this.
Let's finish this sometimes.

To the apple of my eye
I hope this feeling will die
A conversation initiated
Dies the moment it is anticipated

2008, I wrote a song for you
2009 onwards, I wrote you numerous poems, too
2012, I asked a photo with you
2015, I asked, “How are you?”

Yesterday, as I was riding the jeepney…
I listened to “Runaway” and it was funny…
I used to hate that song
But not anymore because of you all along

You greeted me on the 25th of December
I posted the song of 311 entitled “Amber”
The conversation I initiated...
...had left even before it started

I greeted you back,
but I will not expect you to answer back
Your reply was just my consolation
For even thinking about you and my admiration

So I heard, you were with someone new
It pinches my heart, if you only knew
I will keep this secret hidden
Liking you seems to be forbidden

I dare not to play around but then you came around
Everything was fun then you made my heart turn around
What I thought was a simple reply to your “hi”
turned out to be the reason why I’m high

I didn’t want to try to write you a poem
I’m afraid that my rhyme would turn into a grime
As I’m writing this, you’re with her
As I’m writing this, all I can picture is you with her

It’s disturbing, I know
It’s disturbing, I don’t want to let you go
I know that I’m just nothing to you
I know that you just want me for my hue

Who am I to make you stay?
Who am I to demand you of your time?
I will soldier on to my dismay
I would carry on, with this rhyme, I will stay

Your arms wrapped around her
as you two are submerged in extreme laughter
the brightness in her eyes
the totality of my demise

It all started with a simple “hi”
It all started my kind of high

May 14 2018
22:20

The fleeting silence
I treasure her presence
When I look at her
I just want nothing but her health to be stable
Please, wait for me until I am able
Let your memory last until I can give you more than apples
I hope she will have the strength of 10,000 horses
The memory of 1,000 prodigies
I hope you find peace even in your most painful sickness
I hope your heart endures the everyday rain
May you find happiness in what I can provide
Sorry, if I sometimes make you feel insufficient
Your smile makes me go on one more day
You are my strength, just one more time, I'll say
From now on, I will make tons of memories with you
Take your picture, everyday, and forever
I will never get tired of the food you will serve
I will never get tired of your kindness and presence
Thank you for everything, my dear, wonder woman
Please, keep your heart beating
I hope that you will never lose the memory that you have
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Thank you for giving me life, love, kindness, and tolerance.
I know I still can give you more
Please, wait for me until I am able
All I want is for us to be stable
I want nothing for you but the best apples
Next time, I will give you more than apples
Oranges, lemons, grapes, and vines.
Wait, for me, please, I want you to experience comfort
Please, be strong. Please, be strong.
I want nothing but for you to live long.
I love you, my strength.

11:29 AM | April 13 2021

Wake up and open your eyes
I crave your message, it's as if you're holding me tight

Your voice is the sweetest voice I hear
No matter what language you speak
Your words are like candies

Your patience is just commendable
Aside from your looks, it's what makes you irresistible

I understand the expression you said last night
I learned my lesson, I better speak better, Spanish grammar

Te quiero
Mahal kita
I love you

Nothing rhymes with "Te quiero" but "(Given name)"

Nothing rhymes with "Mahal kita" but "(Full name)"

Nothing rhymes with "You" but "I love you"

----
Enjoy your day, mi amor. It will be hard to forget that I love you. You're just simply the best.

I am happy when I am sad
I am sad when I am happy
Why do I feel such a loser
When all I want to do is recover?
Here she comes, the butterflies disappear
Please, oh, please, do not reappear
The pain lingers, it never hurts like it did yesterday
Day by day, I find a way to recover
No, this is not about love
This is about life in general
My fear is primal
I want to keep it minimal
This is me writing about a song
A three-minute memory
A lifetime of misery
Have you ever played a gong?
Do not be confused.
There is no use.
This is not about you.
This is about ****-mer-me
Uh oh! ****-mer rhymes with reminder
Names of the people I don't want to remember
Now, do you see the matter?
Nah, it does not matter.
****-mer is not even a word in the dictionary
Do not worry, this is not about you.
How many times do I have to tell you?
I just want to use your name
How beautifully it rhymes with a lot of other names
Do not go down the abbey
It's not "fay"...
Do not play with me
There is no way that you mispronounced "pay"
I am not making any sense, am I?
It does not matter
I am making sense of myself, that is why.
Xy runs with rah, rah, rah
So is ElectRIKA
Maybe this is what I get
From watching a lot of Daredevil and Elektra
Stop this nonsense
Times like this, I am talking nonsense.
Friday, the day when you get your pay
Payday is also the day when you pay
I just love Fridays!
No, I do not want your hearts, and likes
Those will not bring me delight
Get me a flight
That is what I like.

If I could take it back, I would have listened more.
I knew that this day will come.
I was really happy to see you.
I was really happy to talk to you.
I was really happy that you visited me.
I was really happy, and sad.
I was hopeful but skeptical.
I was really afraid.
I was happy to talk to you.
I was happy to see you.
I, for a second, wanted you back.
I, for a second, so hoped that you'd want me back.
I was so afraid.
I couldn't even breathe.
It took me years to get over you.
I wish I could take back all the words that I said to you.
I didn't even say sorry.
I was happy.
I thought of how well you treated me.
Again, I was afraid.

I feel your thoughts
I hypothesize your feelings
Blood draw lets me understand you
I read your mind
I analyze your whole being

Only…

...That type of I has not existed yet
...that type of you has not happened yet

October 19 2017
22:49

She does not belong to anyone
Silence is what she will become
People come and go
People live and die
Mortality becomes reality
Aged mortal is what we will all become
Crave of freedom imprisons her
She glows in the chaos more than ever
A candle keeps burning in her mind
The songs do not make sense anymore
Off they go to nonsense
She writes to entice her appetite
The crave of peace in silence dies
She manages her silence
She works to keep calm and guard her existence
She writes of herself and no one else
She competes with herself and no one else
She blabbers writing until the candle dies
The wind says goodbye
The winter bliss says, "Hi."
The cold October passes by
Here comes the promise of a better November
December can be found at the end of the river
Just right after the eleventh plate number
This writing makes no sense
She thinks, that, maybe, in reality, she is really dense
She thinks nothing but her existence
She would rather be sole than double
She craves her mind, body and soul
Hoping for the 3-in-1 to be a certainty
She is on the verge of shouting
She envisions herself suffocating
The words do not come out right
Even Tori Amos cannot say things right
She checked her clock at 10:52
This happened just out of the blue
The coincidence now frightens her
She makes the words of Brandon Boyd void
She is talking nonsense
Just trying to make every line of the stanza rhyme
Alternate, or consecutive rhyming
It does not matter as long as the lines rhyme
"Nice to Know You" now plays
She craves to change the settings to replays
She forgets that she listens to somebody else's playlist
She thinks that the playlist embodies her being
She finally decides to stop her writing.
Goodnight.
Be plain in sight.
She will not be delighted.
She will be enlightened.
She accepts it before it happens.
Stay or go.
Live or die.
Hot or cold.
Remember everything.
Remember why.

We've grown closer and farther
We've grown nothing closer than how we started
I like it that you are becoming farther and farther
Don't get me wrong, I still think of why you are moving on
I don't care about you, so go away, be away like you always do
The songs we sing together
The playlist you put together
The concert we watched together
It will be remembered, except, you...
Oh, no! I'm sorry, mister.

November 11 2018
17:50

The name rhymes with Jo
I think, she needs to turn on the radio
Find something interesting in his bio
Maybe, even get inspirations from his photo

The name rhymes with Zack Dela Rocha
His last name rhymes with my cafe mocha
Can't say much but he likes music
Oh, did I not mention...
He likes listening to Asking Alexandria

I'm a planner, he's an improviser
I say, "Hey, Monday!", he says, "Bye, Monday!"
I sleep, he watches...
I watched, "The Outlaw King",
He read its previews and synopses
Opposites, ironies
Oh, please! **** these inspirations!

Some days, poems come easy
A lot of times, they get unfinished, left out in the open

You make me sad everyday
For when the sun is rising
It is my heart that is setting
I hope to recover from you
You are like a leech in my blood
All I want is you every waking day of my life
I hate the way you make me feel
But I know that my fears are not real
I am happy when you are suppressed within me
It is a rampage when everyday, all you do is resurface
I dread every event of my fruitful life
When the only thing I am comfortable at is stagnancy
Do not leave me because I will not let you go away
When stigma is what I face the moment I step in the door
I will find my way to recovery
It is hard but I will try not to fall
When all I want to do now is fall, run and let go
Please, make me free from your bind
Let me go because I do not want to remember you
I love it when you stick around like you do
I am close to sleeping now
My eyes are close but my mind is weak
Weak of thinking of the things I cannot do
Things that I know are not real like you always want me to perceive them
Leave me, my sickness, be buried within me
For when I wake up, I know, that I will still be locked with you.
Let us sleep now, hold my hand, never let me go.
It is very hard to shake you and be free from you.

May 16 2018
10:53 PM

Tonight, I listened to a song for the first time
Funny how I can guess what the next lyrics are
Maybe, in the so-called dictionary
The word, "Needs" is the only one that rhymes with the first line

Tonight, I listened to a music album
Have not listened to the artist for quite some time
Oh! How their new songs carry the melody/tune of their old songs
Guess, because they came from the same artist

Cannot publish the same poem thrice
The site is under maintenance
Is this what I get for writing poems so much
Should the site expect my repentance?

Listening now to Frusciante
I can hear the subtle phone ring in the recording
Or was it just the guitar strings ringing
Guess, it teaches me how to pay more attention

The chorus is now on repeat
The voice becomes deep, it fades and the guitar parts rise
The lead parts is where I find my peace
Don't know where to listen

Do I listen to the voice, instruments, or the whole song
If I do the latter, then I will miss the others

arms tight
it feels so right
your kisses so sweet
The lips want to meet

hands interlocked
the heart finally is docked
laughters are synchronized
talks are harmonized

This is what I want to do
With you, this is what I want to do
Only, you, do it with her
As I watch you do it with her

October 20 2017
22:50

It never went
You just didn't stay
It's not my habit to hold on to anyone's kite
Especially when you don't hold on with all your might
I choose to show what I want to be
I choose to hide the feelings as it should be
Now, do not message me and make me reply
Just so that you will have the last goodbye
Talk to me when you are sober
I will accept if you will message me after forever
It is up to you to go or stay
Just so that you will have the last goodbye
You do not make any sense
I do not have time to process
I do not mind being left behind
I just stay for those who do not leave me behind
This is for everyone who has ever left me behind
Songs are meant to show or hide
Songs are meant to either say "hi" or "goodbye"
Songs I listen to may not mean anything
Do not go saying that it is what I want you to be doing
I do not speak in verbatim
I hide my words in poems
Think what you want
Say what you want
I will hide my words just the same
Interpret this however you like
It will still be a pantomime.

Technology defies
the progress to survive
It dies the instance it loads
Just wants to hit the road
Technology dies
Progress becomes backwardness
Clenching of the jaw
Gums recede
Technology dies the instance it thrives
Like the teeth, it falls out
No one heard it, not even a single shout out
Stretching the back, crying out of nonsense
just the stress that this technology brings
16 hours not really enough to ring
backwardness is what it only offers
Slower than people
Couldn't have been patient
Next time, who is the patient?
Now, what do you think?

It takes courage to not message or call you.
It takes bravery to forget you.

Did you throw the sketch that you made for me?
I wanted to ask for it but you might not like it.
Did you throw the headset I lent you?
​I wanted to claim it but I don't want to see you.
I don't want to use it as an excuse to talk to you.​

Do you even remember me, even slightly, oh, so faintly?
I still remember you, every day, every second, if you only knew.
I want to forget you, but, hey! Creativity happens whenever I think of you.

You didn't make an effort to even know me
You don't know a single thing about me

I never even heard you call me by my name.
You never said my name.
You don't have the intention to remember my name.

You never said my name.

You, maybe, did... but I can't remember it. What a shame!

When we were just starting
You would often come to our house in the evening
We would stay in front of our house talking
I would be singing, and my guitar, you would be strumming

Our first date was at the burger stand
The first time I saw you, I was really stunned
Your deep voice, your personality
You are so good at keeping the mystery

You would spend the weekends with me
You would talk and walk with me at the park
You would talk about nothing to me
You would make me believe in the spark

You know what you’re good at?
...At the game called pretense
You know what you did to me?
You made me want to make my heart, again, dense.

November 1 2017
22:15

It is good to be the queen of my time
To be where I want to be, when I want to be
It is good to be the queen of my time
When I can be at 5 places at one time
Listening to Tom Petty does not make my heart break
Although Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are playing
It is good to be the queen of my time
When I can write, do, sing what I want
When I can decide on what to do at any time
What does 5 places mean at this time?
Well, they are the tasks that I need to finish in time
I feel a bit pressured, challenged, out of time
nevertheless, I do not have a choice but to just be in time
Now listening to the lead part just after the bridge
Waiting for the chorus to repeat
but here comes the outro and not the chorus in between
I do not even know the title of the songs playing
I just feel connected, happy, sad, happy, again
There is something melancholic in the sounds they are making
Maybe, it is the Halloween that is soon to be ending.

I was dreaming
The thought was just in my head
my body will never be able to move ahead
The thought was provoking
The tricycle driver was asking
If he should turn or move ahead
As my brain thought of paper stars pouring
A letter to accompany the undying

She continues to take a leave
She wants to live... be alive
She lives for me, him, her
She wants to stay as a mother
She forgets her medicines
She thrives to survive
Sometimes, I wonder, how or earth did she survive!
Her life is nothing short of misery, disaster, and mistakes
Yet, she chose to rise, make the disaster, her enemy to survive!
What a fantastic human being
Why does she keep on spinning?
I hope she will last more than I do
She is a perfect, a masterpiece
She'll be the centerpiece in every table that I will eat
She will be my reason for being
The reason why I am so excited for what the morning will bring
Her smile lights up my life
Her kisses bring me so much joy and happiness
Her, sometimes, foul mouth brings me great pleasure
For I know how she cares about me, more than all the others
She is my mother
She is a disaster
She could be a stranger
No one loves me like her
There is nothing in the world that I love more than her
She bore me into this world
Like a sunflower, she will rise from all the others
There is nothing more perfect than my mother
There is nothing in the world that I love more than my mother

My heart flutters
I easily cry over just about anything recently
I empathize a lot
Truly, everything is nothing but a plot
I watched a movie, I cried
I watched a movie trailer, I cried
Is it the loneliness I feel of being alone?
Maybe, it is the beach shown in the movie
Maybe, I just want somebody
I want to travel, be somewhere else
I want to see the world
Like in the movie, Lucy... she just takes everything
Do you have any idea how much you make me smile?
Do you have any idea how much I want to close the miles?
I cannot help but smile when I see your pictures
I cannot help but wonder what if I am the one behind your smiles

Ako ba'y naghihintay sa wala?
Parang kay tagal mo nang nawala
Ganun rin ba ang nadarama mo para sa akin
Ako lang ba ang ganito sa atin?

Sarili ko'y pipigilan
Hindi kita hahayaang malaman ang aking saloobin
Lahat ay gagawin manatiling kaibigan mo
Gagawa ng paraan para makasama mo

Hindi ako aamin
Ayaw mo naman talaga sa akin
Huwag mag-alala, ako'y lalayo na
Pagkatapos ng Linggong ito, ika'y kakalimutan na

Damdamin ay hindi hahayaang lumago
Natatakot na hindi mo naman kayang magseryoso
Ano ang aking magagawa
Hindi naman planado ang aking pagsinta

May mga bago ka bang babaeng kinakausap?
May bago ka bang kinikilala?
May bago ba na maganda, matalino, masayang kausap at kasama?
Anong laban ko eh ayaw mo nga magkwento?

I was torn between seeing and not seeing you today
I was confused of whether or not I’ll be able to brighten up your day

I always have this doubt
I still choose not to scout

Well, you can’t blame me…
My gut tells me that you’re not even true to me.

July 5 2019
16:38

And I ran out of time
Doing nothing, being nothing
Across the road is where my life prospers
But here I am on the other side, and, oh, how I wander
My mind craves freedom
The reason behind my sadness are the shackles
Shackles created by my own mind
The vulnerability of the situation
The mediocrity of anticipation
Knowing what lies ahead
Making me feel dizzy, afraid, fearful, frightened
The things I experience these days...
...are, but the by-product of my poor decision-making
The mediocrity of fighting
The complexity of dying
For when I retire to bed each night
All I wonder is where I am tonight
For when the next day comes
I'll still be here, stuck, and dying in the pale moonlight

I want to meet the world
Travel it without holding bars
I want to be free of fear
Walk without worrying of a single tear

I want to be in places I've never been
For once, I want to think that I can win
I want to get rid of my sense of responsibility
To just be out there embracing uncertainty

I know that life should be fun
and I feel depressed and tired, sometimes
Caressed by anxiety
I guess, it's my destiny

I feel so old but unaccomplished
I feel so tired for everything in my life feels unfinished
I feel cold and lonely
Those two things that are clear in my destiny

I, sometimes, want to be someone else
Just to get rid of the routinary
I wish to feel nothing
I hope to have something else that is soothing

What else do I need to do?
What else is there for me?
Many things I want to do
Always hindered by so many dues

I want to go outside
Meet new people
Be in places where no one knows me
Just, maybe, for once, I could be me

I want to be playful
I want to be free
I want to be out of responsibilities
Life is tiring, and the world is domineering

What do I need to do to fulfill it?
I feel nothing, but loneliness.
When was the last time I felt happy?
My life has been nothing, but lonely.

Will I die just like this?
Everything that life has to offer is missed.
Every chance I get is nothing more than a regret
Every chance I take is nothing by hardships and consequences

I should be happy that I'm not in the shoes of someone else
But my version of loneliness is this
I don't want to care so much of the world anymore
I, for once, want to walk with no purpose

My life has always been with a goal
I get frustrated because everything has been so hard to achieve
I get so tired of living with a purpose
Why do I care so much of everything that surrounds me?

If I have a choice, I want to be careless
Leave everything and everyone in my life helpless
Tactless of all the people around me
Maybe, that's the reason, why I feel stressed and left out.

You are therapy to my agony
You are the survival to my emergency
You bring hope to my faithlessness
You are my ears to my deafness

You bring joy to my unhappy life
You supply oxygen to my dying heart
You put laughter to my frowning mouth
You remove, in my heart, the planted knife.

October 9 2017

Thank you for helping me out when I was in AU
I received support from everyone in the team
However, I was more comfortable reaching out to you

Thank you for providing support to me when I was in Naga
You were very generous of your time and effort
If it were not for you, all I know is Nada

I always admire your talent and creativity
All I want for you is good health, success and great opportunities
You are the salt in the dishes
Truly, you provide completeness

November 1 2017
22:23

He listens to the songs that are once mine
He listens to the songs as if they are his
He remembers her as the songs play
He listens to the songs just how they are here to stay
The songs are not meant to be his
The songs are somebody else's and in between
The songs are not made for his benefit
The songs are meant to express the writer's feelings
Two weeks has almost passed
He remembers how they talked in the past
He listens to the same songs
The songs he came to like because of her
He listens to the same songs without even thinking of her
He now does not associate the songs to anyone, especially, her
He now offers the same songs to the new person he knows
She is everything... his dreams, his love, his all
He now thinks of this new person every time the same songs play
This new person, she came to like the songs he makes her listen to everyday
The same songs make him think of his former love, and his present

But never will he associate the same songs to the girl that was sandwiched between his former love and his present

Everything crumbles, he falls, he stumbles
He forgets, recovers, loves again
Ah! That is life talking to him, again and again

He ends the day... listening to the songs he came to like because of the girl that was sandwiched between his former love and the present

Never will he think of this girl. Never will he fall, stumble and crumble because of this girl.

He finally recovers.
and the girl sandwiched between his former love and the present is glad that he recovers.

October 11, 2017
10 AM

Take me to the sea
The calmness, sometimes tumultuous waters, I want to see
Envelope me with its waves
Jump with me, let's welcome the waves
Blue is the color or sadness
Green is the nature of freshness
Emerald green is the color of material things
Light blue, different shades of beings
These are the colors I want to see
The colors that the sky reflects abundantly
The tides go high and low
The waves move fast and slow
I want to swim against the tide
I sometimes want to walk, even stride
Wait, I do not know how to swim
But I want to give in to this very wim
Just look at the birds
Flying above the sand
Crossing seas, rivers, and oceans
Kiss my skin with the warmness of the sun
Embrace me with sea salt and give me a tan
The color of life, activity and fun
Squeeze some lemon on my hair
Rub it, have the sun penetrate every hair strand
It will give life to jet black fiber
Just enough to give me a sunshower
Let's raft together and cross the other side
Under the bridge, across the big wide sky
Oh, please...
Take me to the sea
Let's watch the sunrise, sunset
It will cause this fatigue, its demise.

There she is
"Sorry" is not a word you'll hear from her
She knows that she is to blame for some parts
But she refuses to get down from her high horse

Feeling that my life is passing me by
Couldn't do a single thing  I like doing
Trapped in this infinite solace
Let it not be my demise

AND I SAW A PICTURE OF YOU
ALL I EVER ASK IS JUST A SMILE FROM YOU
AND I ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD TO THE DAY YOU WILL ASK ME OUT
I CONSTANTLY PRAY THAT YOU WILL HEAR MY HEART OUT
AND IF I MISS YOU EVEN IF I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE WITH YOU
EVEN IF IT TAKES A LIFE TIME FOR IT TO BE TRUE
I WILL BE INSPIRED TO KEEP UP JUST TO KEEP UP WITH YOU
I COMPETE AGAINST MYSELF TO NOT BE BLUE
I SOMETIMES THINK THAT IT WOULD BE FUTILE
THERE IS NO WAY THAT THIS LOVE WOULD EVEN BE REAL
I PRAY STILL, I THINK OF YOU, EVERY DAY OF MY (NON WORKING) LIFE
YOUR FACE COMES OUT OF THE BLUE
YOUR FAITH INSPIRES ME TO BE LIKE YOU
THERE COULD NEVER BE A CHANCE TO BE WITH YOU
TO GOD, I WILL STILL PRAY FOR YOU
IF WHAT MY HEART FEELS, IS TRUE
SURELY, THIS INFATUATION WILL BE A LOVE SO TRUE
YOU MAY NOT APPRECIATE ME YET
YOU MAY FIND SOMEONE ELSE IN THE END
I WILL STILL TRY TO THINK OF YOU
MAYBE, YOU WILL START THINKING OF ME, TOO
BY THE WAY, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU?
ONE DAY, I HOPE TO VISIT YOU
MAYBE, HAVE TEA OR TWO
BY THE WAY, DO YOU EVEN LIKE THOSE THINGS LIKE I DO?
THE MONOLOGUE OF OUR CONVERSATION
I IMAGINE HOW I WOULD LAUGH WITH YOU
HOW I WOULD TALK TO YOU
HOW YOU WOULD CARE ABOUT ME
HOW I WOULD SHOW HOW YOU MEAN TO ME
BY THE WAY, THIS IS NOT FOR YOU
JUST A THOUGHT FOR MISSING YOU.
I HOPE THAT YOU DECIPHER THE TITLE.

Had chicken wings tonight
Took an antihistamine before the fight
Drank coffee after nine
I think, I’ll be awake until the sun shines
What was I thinking?
Maybe, it was the migraine throbbing
Planned on eating ice cream
Ended up buying an eye cream
Got home, I started encoding
Finished at midnight
My eyes won’t shut tight
Still listening to Lany
His song is on repeat
He sings, “ I miss you so bad”
I say, “I want to sleep so bad”.

October 15 2017
12:58 PM

There he goes...
He wants to stride to the sky open wide
He wants to be happy, still but the same
His heart dead flat in silence and revelry
Recover, he wants to make his heart better
He feels okay now, he feels regretful, but forward, he moves
He cries, at least his heart is the only thing that can verbalize
Still, he believes that humans are good
Corrupted, maybe, just maybe, of good things yet to come
Pursuit of happiness is what only lies ahead
For life is so short to be wasted, so move ahead
The clouds parted
The bad dies, the good surrenders
Be happy, sit still
Hold your heart dearly, do not let the departed make it weary
Good is acceptance, move forward
Do not be consumed by the hatred... do not fail to worry
Worry of the future that is yet to come
Prepare your heart for what is to come
For when the good dreams succumb
Your happiness is what only surrenders
For nothing fights better than the pretenders

She saw a post on face book
She remembered why she was messaged
She remembered what she dreamt about twice
She woke up and she was messaged
She woke up and she was called twice
She remembered the face book post last night
She was remembered
Oh, it was just a coincidence.

Anxiety lurks in
Should I give up and give in
Chaos is the state my brain is in
Should I give up and give in

Listening to songs makes me all the more worried
Binaural and isochronic tones do not work anymore
Music across all genre does not give me salvation
It just builds up the tension

Could not think straight
So many things that I have to think about
So many things that I have to accomplish
I sometimes wish that some things could be abolished.

The taste of coffee is bitter
I don’t know how to put myself back together
It’s getting harder and harder to breathe
I’m falling deeper and deeper underneath

I keep on playing back all the memories I had of you
Slowly figuring out that everything you showed me wasn’t true
Searching for holes and clues that would lead me back to you
I’m drowning, suffocating, all I could think of are my issues

I want to cry but no tears are coming out
I'm trying to be okay when you turned all the lights out
I want to ask you a lot of questions
I strongly hope that I would know all your real intentions

Loving you, I thought, was everything
I started out and ended up with nothing
Giving my heart swiftly was not initially intended
I immediately fell in love with the idea of being wanted

I went against all my principles
Followed my heart and made my brain, as its disciple
I let go of myself, put my guard down
And now, I’ve already flown so high and I can’t back down

I’m sorry for all the bitterness
All I could think of is this sadness
When all I want is happiness
But all I can do is support and cultivate this madness