August 22 2017
13:23

and I feel hopeful that he'll come back
and I feel lonely that I said the wrong things back
and I feel the same feelings I felt for him before
and I saw him fading right in front of me just like before

I should have asked him how he felt when she saw me, again.
I should have asked all the questions I have in my mind.
I should have asked how he felt at that moment, rather talk about myself.
I should have never talked so much, I might have hurt him again.

I was okay, then you went knocking on my door
I remembered how you were adored.
I couldn't even admit how much I loved you
I couldn't even admit how your treatment was the best.

I felt like crying, I held back the tears many times
I should have hugged you, instead of giving you a high five
I felt that you were just there to see how I am doing
You didn't even want to get back with me

I know that you don't feel anything for me anymore
You didn't even find a way to contact me
You were just there... sought my company because you are lonely
I still feel that you didn't love me

I feel hurt, again.
For the words that didn't come out right
For all the words I didn't mean to say
I hope that you memory will fade, again.

I don't want to remember you
You can't give me the love I want so much from you
It hurts me so bad
I thought I've moved on, but I guess, I haven't.

Been listening to “Northern Lad”
You were someone that I really never had
Been up most of the night
Thinking how I could be alright

Been trying my best to maintain a straight face
That everything will just fall into place
Been trying my best to recover from the strain
Pretending not to wait for you in vain

and so another morning came
and absence is what you’ve become
When a simple message is what I yearn for
You left me just like the other boys from before

If you could only see how my eyes turn glassy
If you could only feel how my heart wants to turn icy
I wish I could go back to where I was before
When your existence is nothing but an unnoticeable spore

I could not feel your love when you looked at me
I could not feel in your touch that you missed me
All I could feel was your curiosity
Just like how my curiosity, at that time, killed my reality

“I don’t hold on to the tail of your kite”
says the other Tori song I sang to you last night
Reminding you to not worry because I won’t hold on to you
...but why did I just check my clock at 12:52?

Every heartbreak has its own playlist
The songs remind me of how something, or someone gets removed from my list
In my mind, I make a list
A list of all the songs that could make a playlist

I am that masochistic to play the songs over and over
Until it hurts no more, and hurts, again some more
The chorus of every song reverbirates
Echoing the hushed silence of my loneliness

At this point, all types of songs seem the same
They all talk about sadness, hopelessness, and heartbreaks
There is something so peaceful in this verge of this martyrdom
There is something so painful yet freeing in this fleeting moment

For when I finally feel better
I feel how I've gone and traveled farther
The heartbreak only makes me stronger
It makes me see clearer, move faster, appreciate the meaning of life better

I listen to the same playlist
I think of how foolish I was to even break into tears to any of the songs
For at this point, all songs fall on the same level
They remind me of how sad I felt, how hard I fell, how I was vulnerable

and I listen to the same playlist, again
For I want to make art out of all the previously mentioned pains of others
At this point, the songs remind me of how I am no different from the others
At this point, the songs remind me how my emotions are universal

I also know that in one way, or another, my playlist is different from another
I also know how unique my experiences are
I know that some things are irreversible
Yet, again... I am ready to be vulnerable

September, October, November, December, January
The months that Juana wants to find in the obituary
The other stopped at September
While October was the beginning of another
November was when Juana chose to leave October
Juana came back in December
Only to find October with Summer
Juana begged October in January
"I want Summer not Juana", said October
Juana went away, broken and dismayed
Anger was what engulfed her
Juana never heard from October until near September
Juana calmly burst in anger
When October talked to her
Juana still loves October
But when they talked,
Juana said the opposite to October
All that October wants is closure
Juana wants more but she chose her feelings to be obscure.
Juana is broken.
Thanks, October.

The weekend is close to the end atlas
and all I hope for was for it to last
Why do I feel such an outcast?
Why didn't I have such a blast?
It feels great to be at your wit's end
It feels great to be someone whom no one calls
There's no need to pretend
I'm the only one here who falls
Here she is with her utmost lies
Why do I feel terrible every time she cries?
Why do I feel hurt to even acknowledge that feeling when it dies?
Please, let it not be her demise

Short poems run in my head
Couldn't let myself occupy my bed
My love for you spreads like wild fire
You are someone I truly admire
I will forget a pen, just so I can borrow from you
I will forget my power, just so I can depend on you
I wonder how I can be liked by you
There is something about you that makes me feel blue
You are the epitome of my impalpable dream
I want you to be interested in me
Think of me, as someone who is not what she seems
Dim the lights, face my light
Do you ever feel surreal with me
ah, you are just too focused on your nymph.

July 7 2019
18:12

I have been watching, "Lucifer"
All I can think of, is your accent
Now, watch the series
See what I'm after
You are not like Tom Ellis
But all I can think of, is you, at least
I want to hear your speak
So, your YouTube channel, will be my sneak peek

October 25 2008
11:25 AM

Verse 1:
There's a good chance for me to stay
But, there's a better chance if you would say
Do you like me? Adore me?
Now tell me, 'cause I don't get you...

Refrain 1:
The times we spent together
Felt so right
Now, tell me if you like me
You make me bright...

Chorus:
You're such a waste of time
I'm always left behind
Don't let this heart be entwined
('cause) I'll love you every time
I'll let you go, but I'll let you know...
I don't want to waste my time.

Verse 2:
Now, you told me that you like me
that you care for me and you'll wait for me
I'm ready... where are you?
Don't tell me, 'cause I don't get you...

Refrain 2:
The times we spent together
looked so bright
And, now you like me,
Did I hear it right?

(Repeat Chorus, except last 2 lines)

Bridge:
Don't bother to explain
I won't hear a single thing
Don't try to give a ****
I'll be numb, and make you dumb
Don't tell me I won't hear it
You just taught me how to be like this...

(Repeat Chorus, till fade...)

Wala ba talaga ako halaga sa iyo?
Kahit isang litrato ay wala sa iyong telepono?
Ganun mo ba ako hindi ka-gusto?
Ni hindi mo man lang ako kayang tignan na parang mahal mo?

Hindi kita matanong kung ano ang talagang iyong gusto
Natatakot sa maaaring isagot mo
Tinanong mo ako kung naiinip na ako
Gusto kong sumagot ng “Oo”

Ano ba ang gusto **** maging sagot ko?
Gusto mo bang ako na mismo ang kusang lumayo sa iyo?
Ano kaya ang iyong tugon kung sabihin kong may manliligaw na ako?
Ipaglaban mo kaya ako at ituring sa wakas na sa iyo?

Ayaw ko hanapin pa ang lugar ko sa puso mo?
Ano ba talaga ako sa pagkatao mo?
Nais mo ba akong manatili sa tabi mo?
Manatili hangga’t makahanap ka ng kapalit ko

Sana ay hindi ka na lang umamin
Sana ay nanatili na lang ng katulad ng nagsisimula pa ang sa atin
Nagpapakiramdaman, nagkakamabutihan
Walang aminan, nagtataguan

Ngayon ako ay nahihiya
Bakit ganun ang inasal ko sa aking pagsinta
Naging hindi totoong ako
Ninais na maging lahat na iyong gusto

Paano nga ba tayo magtatapos?
Tayo pa ba ay may simula sa pagtatapos?
Ako lamang ba ang sumisinta ng labis?
Ako lamang ba ang nag-iisip ng ganitong labis?

Sabi ng utak ko ay huwag na umasa
Huwag nang maghangad, tama na sa parusa
Kung gumagana man ang puso
Ang sabi nito ay sundin ang bugso

Maari naman natin ayusin
Sabihin mo lang sa akin ang iyong naisin
Ano ba ang gagawin upang maitama ang mali?
Ano ba ang gagawin upang maging pag-aari mo muli?

Ganito talaga ang aking pag-ibig
Laging sawi, laging nagsusumamo
Pag-ibig na hindi lagi masuklian
Hindi mahalaga sa kahit na sino man

You'll hate the songs I suggested
The reason why you liked me in the first place
Should I just keep my playlists a secret,    
Just so you won't feel any regret in the first place?

Guess, you'll erase them
Just how you'll erase me in your brain
7 days backwards happened, by the way
Sorry for making you feel drained

Couldn't say the words I mean to say
Couldn't explain for I'm never really good with words
I just want to take cover
I just don't know if I want this to be over

Let's talk when what you ever feel is over
When you're completely sober
When you got over
If there's even a need for that to take over

Wasting away
Letting my life pass me by
seeing myself letting go
I can just remember, how I looked like, a few years ago
Everything crammed up in my brain
The hours of the day cannot even put away the strain
Seeing myself getting ugly
Gone is my beauty
In my mind, I think, of "maybe, tomorrow, it will get better"
For me, it gets worse, and worse, and worse...
My weight is dropping
My wrinkles are becoming visible
Laugh lines are deeper
Eyes alternately swell and deepen
Eye bags get darker, deeper, uglier
Letting my life pass me by
Feeling empty, fighting the urge to be a robot
Nothing but a machine, that is all I am
Just take a look at what I have become
I drown, I feel empty, I feel sad and teary
Nothing breaks me more than this burnt out
I break down, I cry, I drop, I suddenly die
Nothing cripples me than this urge to stop and just do nothing
Be a robot, feel nothing
I wish I am a robot capable of feeling nothing
Just so this robot-like lifestyle can be sustained
The human side of me is dying
The human trapped in a world
World, where robots are the norm
The jobs are what the robots are capable of doing
I die... I die... I die...

I drown in silence
I lost my confidence
My only salvation is my resilience
All I can do is fuel this pretense

I bought a mask to hide the pain
I bought clothes to dress like someone else
Came close to getting a haircut
If I got money, maybe change my whole face, too.

I refuse taking pictures
All I see is emptiness
Submerged in loneliness
Bathe in regrets

Farther and farther I go
The only think to blame is my ego
Farther and farther you'll go
I'll keep running away and just choose to let go

July 5 2019
16:49

And my heart bleeds in silence
And my mind breathes in discontent
Who can blame me to be a lover of beauty
When who I need to support is my family
Who can blame me for wanting more
When all I want to do is do more
Who can blame me for wanting something faster
Is it not enough to be who I have been for others?

Please know that while I’m writing this...
I remember all the talks we had
I remember all the walks we took
I remember all the meals we ate together
I remember all the movies we watched
I remember all the time we spent together

Please know that while I’m writing this…
I’ll remember all the talks we could have had
I’ll remember all the walks we could have taken
I’ll remember all the meals we could have eaten
I’ll remember all the movies we could have watched
I’ll remember all the times we could have spent together

Please know that while I’m writing this…
I’ll imagine all the talks that you could spend with Asther
I’ll envision all the walks you could take with your new girl, Heather
I’ll visualize all the meals you could eat with Abby
I’ll think about all the movies you could watch with Jenny
I’ll think about all the things you could do with all the girls except me.

Please know that while I’m writing this…
I have difficulty thinking of what have been
I have difficulty accepting what never been
I have difficulty not thinking of what could have been
I have difficulty understanding what you have been
I have difficulty moving forward from the situation I am in.

May 23 2019
08:05

Maybe, you're one of my past coworkers
Maybe, you're one of the guys I dumped/turned down before
Maybe, you just want to find someone to mess up or something
Maybe, you're V
Just hard to believe that you stumbled on that page...
Came across my profile, and out of the many, you chose me...
Wow!
I need to stop. I need to stop. I need to stop.
I won't care anymore. You're just like E, G, A, M, C, M
You don't take me seriously, and you don't see the possibility
...having something special with me.
Goodbye!

Summer came, again
Look at how we have become, again
I have gained such wonderful grains
Nothing to lose, only to gain

Will you not wither until the next summer?
Will you stay, even when you are sober?
Will you be with me, just because the other one is away?
Will you stay, even after you, two are, again, sober?
Do not stay if you intend to leave
Please, betray me, because that is what I expect from your leaf
If this is what you plan to do to get even with me
I am immune to it, go ahead, just wither and die
This is not sadness
This is not an unhappy ending
What I feel now is gladness
So tired of summer leaving

Another incomplete milestone
Another way to complete the pile
Another day for me to survive
Another weekend dies...

Did you ever remember the look that you gave me?
Oh, yes, I do! I remember you, oh, so, clearly!
When you looked at me, face to face.
I couldn't help but smile just a little...
I hope to see you everyday
I hope to know your name
I hope to be right beside you
walking hand in hand
Introduce me to everyone around you

Your kind of leaving me is different
We are still the same yet I know it’s different
Am I just thinking too much?
Is it just me who’s thinking too much?

You make me go back to all the songs I listened to before
You make me go back to how we started from before
But I just can’t let that happen
I do not know how to not notice you anymore

Every time I see your name
I wonder how you can be so lame
I wonder if you’re still the same
I wonder if there’s a chance for you to feel the same

I asked you last night
If you still like me
You said that you really like me
You asked if there’s already someone courting me

Would you give me away if I say, “Yes”
Would you fight for me if I say, “Yes”
Would you make me yours, again, if I say, “Yes”
I did not dare to say, “Yes”