Wala ba talaga ako halaga sa iyo?
Kahit isang litrato ay wala sa iyong telepono?
Ganun mo ba ako hindi ka-gusto?
Ni hindi mo man lang ako kayang tignan na parang mahal mo?

Hindi kita matanong kung ano ang talagang iyong gusto
Natatakot sa maaaring isagot mo
Tinanong mo ako kung naiinip na ako
Gusto kong sumagot ng “Oo”

Ano ba ang gusto **** maging sagot ko?
Gusto mo bang ako na mismo ang kusang lumayo sa iyo?
Ano kaya ang iyong tugon kung sabihin kong may manliligaw na ako?
Ipaglaban mo kaya ako at ituring sa wakas na sa iyo?

Ayaw ko hanapin pa ang lugar ko sa puso mo?
Ano ba talaga ako sa pagkatao mo?
Nais mo ba akong manatili sa tabi mo?
Manatili hangga’t makahanap ka ng kapalit ko

Sana ay hindi ka na lang umamin
Sana ay nanatili na lang ng katulad ng nagsisimula pa ang sa atin
Nagpapakiramdaman, nagkakamabutihan
Walang aminan, nagtataguan

Ngayon ako ay nahihiya
Bakit ganun ang inasal ko sa aking pagsinta
Naging hindi totoong ako
Ninais na maging lahat na iyong gusto

Paano nga ba tayo magtatapos?
Tayo pa ba ay may simula sa pagtatapos?
Ako lamang ba ang sumisinta ng labis?
Ako lamang ba ang nag-iisip ng ganitong labis?

Sabi ng utak ko ay huwag na umasa
Huwag nang maghangad, tama na sa parusa
Kung gumagana man ang puso
Ang sabi nito ay sundin ang bugso

Maari naman natin ayusin
Sabihin mo lang sa akin ang iyong naisin
Ano ba ang gagawin upang maitama ang mali?
Ano ba ang gagawin upang maging pag-aari mo muli?

Ganito talaga ang aking pag-ibig
Laging sawi, laging nagsusumamo
Pag-ibig na hindi lagi masuklian
Hindi mahalaga sa kahit na sino man

Hahayaan na lang ba na balewalain ang aking pagsinta?
Hahayaan na lang ba na ako ay tuluyang madapa?
Paulit-ulit mo man akong saktan
Hindi ko pa kaya na ako ay lumisan

Kung ako ay sadyang hindi na mahal
Kung sadyang hindi mo kayang samahan
Sana ay sabihin mo sa akin ng harapan
Upang masaktan man ay mula sa iyo ang katotohanan

Kahit madalas ay ipakita mo ang tunay na nadarama
Kahit madalas ay nararamdaman kong ayaw mo na
Kahit madalas na alam kong napipilitan ka na
Pinipilit kong huwag bumitiw sa iyo, sinta

Hindi ako bibitiw hangga’t hindi mo sabihing tama na
Hindi ako titigil hangga’t hindi mo sabihing ayaw mo na
Kung nais mo ay huwag na ako makita
Sabihin mo lang sinta, ako ay aalis na

Ako ba'y naghihintay sa wala?
Parang kay tagal mo nang nawala
Ganun rin ba ang nadarama mo para sa akin
Ako lang ba ang ganito sa atin?

Sarili ko'y pipigilan
Hindi kita hahayaang malaman ang aking saloobin
Lahat ay gagawin manatiling kaibigan mo
Gagawa ng paraan para makasama mo

Hindi ako aamin
Ayaw mo naman talaga sa akin
Huwag mag-alala, ako'y lalayo na
Pagkatapos ng Linggong ito, ika'y kakalimutan na

Damdamin ay hindi hahayaang lumago
Natatakot na hindi mo naman kayang magseryoso
Ano ang aking magagawa
Hindi naman planado ang aking pagsinta

May mga bago ka bang babaeng kinakausap?
May bago ka bang kinikilala?
May bago ba na maganda, matalino, masayang kausap at kasama?
Anong laban ko eh ayaw mo nga magkwento?

September, October, November, December, January
The months that Juana wants to find in the obituary
The other stopped at September
While October was the beginning of another
November was when Juana chose to leave October
Juana came back in December
Only to find October with Summer
Juana begged October in January
"I want Summer not Juana", said October
Juana went away, broken and dismayed
Anger was what engulfed her
Juana never heard from October until near September
Juana calmly burst in anger
When October talked to her
Juana still loves October
But when they talked,
Juana said the opposite to October
All that October wants is closure
Juana wants more but she chose her feelings to be obscure.
Juana is broken.
Thanks, October.

If I could take it back, I would have listened more.
I knew that this day will come.
I was really happy to see you.
I was really happy to talk to you.
I was really happy that you visited me.
I was really happy, and sad.
I was hopeful but skeptical.
I was really afraid.
I was happy to talk to you.
I was happy to see you.
I, for a second, wanted you back.
I, for a second, so hoped that you'd want me back.
I was so afraid.
I couldn't even breathe.
It took me years to get over you.
I wish I could take back all the words that I said to you.
I didn't even say sorry.
I was happy.
I thought of how well you treated me.
Again, I was afraid.

November 1 2017
22:23

He listens to the songs that are once mine
He listens to the songs as if they are his
He remembers her as the songs play
He listens to the songs just how they are here to stay
The songs are not meant to be his
The songs are somebody else's and in between
The songs are not made for his benefit
The songs are meant to express the writer's feelings
Two weeks has almost passed
He remembers how they talked in the past
He listens to the same songs
The songs he came to like because of her
He listens to the same songs without even thinking of her
He now does not associate the songs to anyone, especially, her
He now offers the same songs to the new person he knows
She is everything... his dreams, his love, his all
He now thinks of this new person every time the same songs play
This new person, she came to like the songs he makes her listen to everyday
The same songs make him think of his former love, and his present

But never will he associate the same songs to the girl that was sandwiched between his former love and his present

Everything crumbles, he falls, he stumbles
He forgets, recovers, loves again
Ah! That is life talking to him, again and again

He ends the day... listening to the songs he came to like because of the girl that was sandwiched between his former love and the present

Never will he think of this girl. Never will he fall, stumble and crumble because of this girl.

He finally recovers.
and the girl sandwiched between his former love and the present is glad that he recovers.

I feel your thoughts
I hypothesize your feelings
Blood draw lets me understand you
I read your mind
I analyze your whole being

Only…

...That type of I has not existed yet
...that type of you has not happened yet

Please know that while I’m writing this...
I remember all the talks we had
I remember all the walks we took
I remember all the meals we ate together
I remember all the movies we watched
I remember all the time we spent together

Please know that while I’m writing this…
I’ll remember all the talks we could have had
I’ll remember all the walks we could have taken
I’ll remember all the meals we could have eaten
I’ll remember all the movies we could have watched
I’ll remember all the times we could have spent together

Please know that while I’m writing this…
I’ll imagine all the talks that you could spend with Asther
I’ll envision all the walks you could take with your new girl, Heather
I’ll visualize all the meals you could eat with Abby
I’ll think about all the movies you could watch with Jenny
I’ll think about all the things you could do with all the girls except me.

Please know that while I’m writing this…
I have difficulty thinking of what have been
I have difficulty accepting what never been
I have difficulty not thinking of what could have been
I have difficulty understanding what you have been
I have difficulty moving forward from the situation I am in.

You make me sad everyday
For when the sun is rising
It is my heart that is setting
I hope to recover from you
You are like a leech in my blood
All I want is you every waking day of my life
I hate the way you make me feel
But I know that my fears are not real
I am happy when you are suppressed within me
It is a rampage when everyday, all you do is resurface
I dread every event of my fruitful life
When the only thing I am comfortable at is stagnancy
Do not leave me because I will not let you go away
When stigma is what I face the moment I step in the door
I will find my way to recovery
It is hard but I will try not to fall
When all I want to do now is fall, run and let go
Please, make me free from your bind
Let me go because I do not want to remember you
I love it when you stick around like you do
I am close to sleeping now
My eyes are close but my mind is weak
Weak of thinking of the things I cannot do
Things that I know are not real like you always want me to perceive them
Leave me, my sickness, be buried within me
For when I wake up, I know, that I will still be locked with you.
Let us sleep now, hold my hand, never let me go.
It is very hard to shake you and be free from you.

I want to meet the world
Travel it without holding bars
I want to be free of fear
Walk without worrying of a single tear

I want to be in places I've never been
For once, I want to think that I can win
I want to get rid of my sense of responsibility
To just be out there embracing uncertainty

I know that life should be fun
and I feel depressed and tired, sometimes
Caressed by anxiety
I guess, it's my destiny

I feel so old but unaccomplished
I feel so tired for everything in my life feels unfinished
I feel cold and lonely
Those two things that are clear in my destiny

I, sometimes, want to be someone else
Just to get rid of the routinary
I wish to feel nothing
I hope to have something else that is soothing

What else do I need to do?
What else is there for me?
Many things I want to do
Always hindered by so many dues

I want to go outside
Meet new people
Be in places where no one knows me
Just, maybe, for once, I could be me

I want to be playful
I want to be free
I want to be out of responsibilities
Life is tiring, and the world is domineering

What do I need to do to fulfill it?
I feel nothing, but loneliness.
When was the last time I felt happy?
My life has been nothing, but lonely.

Will I die just like this?
Everything that life has to offer is missed.
Every chance I get is nothing more than a regret
Every chance I take is nothing by hardships and consequences

I should be happy that I'm not in the shoes of someone else
But my version of loneliness is this
I don't want to care so much of the world anymore
I, for once, want to walk with no purpose

My life has always been with a goal
I get frustrated because everything has been so hard to achieve
I get so tired of living with a purpose
Why do I care so much of everything that surrounds me?

If I have a choice, I want to be careless
Leave everything and everyone in my life helpless
Tactless of all the people around me
Maybe, that's the reason, why I feel stressed and left out.

To the apple of my eye
I hope this feeling will die
A conversation initiated
Dies the moment it is anticipated

2008, I wrote a song for you
2009 onwards, I wrote you numerous poems, too
2012, I asked a photo with you
2015, I asked, “How are you?”

Yesterday, as I was riding the jeepney…
I listened to “Runaway” and it was funny…
I used to hate that song
But not anymore because of you all along

You greeted me on the 25th of December
I posted the song of 311 entitled “Amber”
The conversation I initiated...
...had left even before it started

I greeted you back,
but I will not expect you to answer back
Your reply was just my consolation
For even thinking about you and my admiration

So I heard, you were with someone new
It pinches my heart, if you only knew
I will keep this secret hidden
Liking you seems to be forbidden

I was dreaming
The thought was just in my head
my body will never be able to move ahead
The thought was provoking
The tricycle driver was asking
If he should turn or move ahead
As my brain thought of paper stars pouring
A letter to accompany the undying

Blemishes start to fade away
Excretions are no longer strongly colored
My sadness transforms from hatred
My happiness transforms from sadness
My eyes are slowly smiling
My weight is slowly increasing
Over-the-counter vitamins are just what I’m taking
Water and coffee are just what I’m drinking
Three daily rice meals and snacks in between
Juice on the side and sweets for the win
My hair is growing faster than before
Confidence is back like never before
My extra work is improving
My expenses are slowly diminishing
I feel like my outlook has recovered a lot
I feel like my beauty could be seen on the spot
Why would I ask for more?
I always get what I aim for.

My heart flutters
I easily cry over just about anything recently
I empathize a lot
Truly, everything is nothing but a plot
I watched a movie, I cried
I watched a movie trailer, I cried
Is it the loneliness I feel of being alone?
Maybe, it is the beach shown in the movie
Maybe, I just want somebody
I want to travel, be somewhere else
I want to see the world
Like in the movie, Lucy... she just takes everything
Do you have any idea how much you make me smile?
Do you have any idea how much I want to close the miles?
I cannot help but smile when I see your pictures
I cannot help but wonder what if I am the one behind your smiles

The taste of coffee is bitter
I don’t know how to put myself back together
It’s getting harder and harder to breathe
I’m falling deeper and deeper underneath

I keep on playing back all the memories I had of you
Slowly figuring out that everything you showed me wasn’t true
Searching for holes and clues that would lead me back to you
I’m drowning, suffocating, all I could think of are my issues

I want to cry but no tears are coming out
I'm trying to be okay when you turned all the lights out
I want to ask you a lot of questions
I strongly hope that I would know all your real intentions

Loving you, I thought, was everything
I started out and ended up with nothing
Giving my heart swiftly was not initially intended
I immediately fell in love with the idea of being wanted

I went against all my principles
Followed my heart and made my brain, as its disciple
I let go of myself, put my guard down
And now, I’ve already flown so high and I can’t back down

I’m sorry for all the bitterness
All I could think of is this sadness
When all I want is happiness
But all I can do is support and cultivate this madness

August 23 2019 |  16:45

Tell me to walk, I will jog
Tell me to run, I will sprint
Tell me to be with you, I will fly
If the first phrases are the things you want me to do
I'll do it wholeheartedly...
...more than 100%
...It is the reality, it is TRUE

If there is a thousand miles between us, I'll close it
If you are at the top, I will build stairs
If you are on the ground, I'll go down the rope
If this is what is left to do...
Like a soldier, I'll follow the order
... more than 100%
... It's the TRUTH

If I run out of words to say
and all that is left to do is to hold you
then I'll hold you forever...
...more than 100%
... It is TRUE

I want to be the only rose from all your Lilies
I want to be the only sunflower from all your Cattleyas
To all the girls you've loved before, I want to be the one that happened after
If all these aren't enough...
Let me find another way to show you my love.

"I don't hold on to the tail of your kite"
Says the Tori Amos song I sing every night
Telling myself I won't hold on to anyone, and then, there is YOU
Tell me, again, why did I just check my phone at 8:22?

October 20 2017

When I see you
All I could think about is you
When I see you
I hope that what I imagine for us becomes true
I hold you dear in my heart
I pray to God that you will see me in your heart
I pray everyday that someday you will think of me
I pray that you will find me, and stay with me eventually
I do not display my affection
But I want you to know of my affection
Tell me what I can do to make you notice me
Give me a hint that someday you will like me, too
I joke about how I feel about you
Your pictures motivate me to go and find you
This is not yet love but somewhere between admiration and affection
No. This is not lust or love
Again, what I feel about you is between admiration and affection
If in the future you will like someone
In gender, in beliefs, I hope it is not a girl like me
It would definitely be acceptable if you will like someone like you
At least I know that in you, there is fluidity
And what I hear from everyone is true.

AND I SAW A PICTURE OF YOU
ALL I EVER ASK IS JUST A SMILE FROM YOU
AND I ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD TO THE DAY YOU WILL ASK ME OUT
I CONSTANTLY PRAY THAT YOU WILL HEAR MY HEART OUT
AND IF I MISS YOU EVEN IF I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE WITH YOU
EVEN IF IT TAKES A LIFE TIME FOR IT TO BE TRUE
I WILL BE INSPIRED TO KEEP UP JUST TO KEEP UP WITH YOU
I COMPETE AGAINST MYSELF TO NOT BE BLUE
I SOMETIMES THINK THAT IT WOULD BE FUTILE
THERE IS NO WAY THAT THIS LOVE WOULD EVEN BE REAL
I PRAY STILL, I THINK OF YOU, EVERY DAY OF MY (NON WORKING) LIFE
YOUR FACE COMES OUT OF THE BLUE
YOUR FAITH INSPIRES ME TO BE LIKE YOU
THERE COULD NEVER BE A CHANCE TO BE WITH YOU
TO GOD, I WILL STILL PRAY FOR YOU
IF WHAT MY HEART FEELS, IS TRUE
SURELY, THIS INFATUATION WILL BE A LOVE SO TRUE
YOU MAY NOT APPRECIATE ME YET
YOU MAY FIND SOMEONE ELSE IN THE END
I WILL STILL TRY TO THINK OF YOU
MAYBE, YOU WILL START THINKING OF ME, TOO
BY THE WAY, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU?
ONE DAY, I HOPE TO VISIT YOU
MAYBE, HAVE TEA OR TWO
BY THE WAY, DO YOU EVEN LIKE THOSE THINGS LIKE I DO?
THE MONOLOGUE OF OUR CONVERSATION
I IMAGINE HOW I WOULD LAUGH WITH YOU
HOW I WOULD TALK TO YOU
HOW YOU WOULD CARE ABOUT ME
HOW I WOULD SHOW HOW YOU MEAN TO ME
BY THE WAY, THIS IS NOT FOR YOU
JUST A THOUGHT FOR MISSING YOU.
I HOPE THAT YOU DECIPHER THE TITLE.

I tried to stay away from it since I arrived here
The headache, sleepiness, and weakness I tried to endure
I took vitamin C, and ibuprofen
But the throbbing pain in my head was making me insane
I downed instant coffee in the morning
The subtle pain spots in my head kept changing
In the hopes of making the pain diminish
Tons of water, I finished
I even blamed my swollen sinuses for everything
Thought of allergies as the culprit
"No way!", I said... "Enough!", I said.
I self talked controlling the urge to buy a cup
I know how accumulated cups can bring my wallet, a hiccup
I had to succumb... this cup of coffee is awesome.

When we were just starting
You would often come to our house in the evening
We would stay in front of our house talking
I would be singing, and my guitar, you would be strumming

Our first date was at the burger stand
The first time I saw you, I was really stunned
Your deep voice, your personality
You are so good at keeping the mystery

You would spend the weekends with me
You would talk and walk with me at the park
You would talk about nothing to me
You would make me believe in the spark

You know what you’re good at?
...At the game called pretense
You know what you did to me?
You made me want to make my heart, again, dense.

October 25 2008
11:25 AM

Verse 1:
There's a good chance for me to stay
But, there's a better chance if you would say
Do you like me? Adore me?
Now tell me, 'cause I don't get you...

Refrain 1:
The times we spent together
Felt so right
Now, tell me if you like me
You make me bright...

Chorus:
You're such a waste of time
I'm always left behind
Don't let this heart be entwined
('cause) I'll love you every time
I'll let you go, but I'll let you know...
I don't want to waste my time.

Verse 2:
Now, you told me that you like me
that you care for me and you'll wait for me
I'm ready... where are you?
Don't tell me, 'cause I don't get you...

Refrain 2:
The times we spent together
looked so bright
And, now you like me,
Did I hear it right?

(Repeat Chorus, except last 2 lines)

Bridge:
Don't bother to explain
I won't hear a single thing
Don't try to give a ****
I'll be numb, and make you dumb
Don't tell me I won't hear it
You just taught me how to be like this...

(Repeat Chorus, till fade...)

May 28 2018
10:25 PM

It feels like home where you are
It was a bit hurtful when it was said
I didn't feel anything when it already happened
To "Goodbye" I surrender
Go ahead, poke my heart
Yes/No, when it starts
Click continue, it's a trap
I'm lost, I need a map
Here's to the Edge
I'm falling
Honey and I
I will Go Slow
I'll be running if you call my name
I know you won't tell me you need me, right now
Night so long, Guess, it's too short to stay strong

It started off pretty well
Now, I know all too well
How my feeling is unwell
It will not be as deep as a well

“I love you” is you always say
“I miss you” is all you ever mean to say
You never mean any of it
You just play for the fun of it

What part of me do you like?
I sometimes wonder?
Is it what I can give that she can’t?
Is it that you can play with me and I can’t?

August 22 2017
13:23

and I feel hopeful that he'll come back
and I feel lonely that I said the wrong things back
and I feel the same feelings I felt for him before
and I saw him fading right in front of me just like before

I should have asked him how he felt when she saw me, again.
I should have asked all the questions I have in my mind.
I should have asked how he felt at that moment, rather talk about myself.
I should have never talked so much, I might have hurt him again.

I was okay, then you went knocking on my door
I remembered how you were adored.
I couldn't even admit how much I loved you
I couldn't even admit how your treatment was the best.

I felt like crying, I held back the tears many times
I should have hugged you, instead of giving you a high five
I felt that you were just there to see how I am doing
You didn't even want to get back with me

I know that you don't feel anything for me anymore
You didn't even find a way to contact me
You were just there... sought my company because you are lonely
I still feel that you didn't love me

I feel hurt, again.
For the words that didn't come out right
For all the words I didn't mean to say
I hope that you memory will fade, again.

I don't want to remember you
You can't give me the love I want so much from you
It hurts me so bad
I thought I've moved on, but I guess, I haven't.

It takes courage to not message or call you.
It takes bravery to forget you.

Did you throw the sketch that you made for me?
I wanted to ask for it but you might not like it.
Did you throw the headset I lent you?
​I wanted to claim it but I don't want to see you.
I don't want to use it as an excuse to talk to you.​

Do you even remember me, even slightly, oh, so faintly?
I still remember you, every day, every second, if you only knew.
I want to forget you, but, hey! Creativity happens whenever I think of you.

You didn't make an effort to even know me
You don't know a single thing about me

I never even heard you call me by my name.
You never said my name.
You don't have the intention to remember my name.

You never said my name.

You, maybe, did... but I can't remember it. What a shame!

November 1 2017
22:15

It is good to be the queen of my time
To be where I want to be, when I want to be
It is good to be the queen of my time
When I can be at 5 places at one time
Listening to Tom Petty does not make my heart break
Although Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are playing
It is good to be the queen of my time
When I can write, do, sing what I want
When I can decide on what to do at any time
What does 5 places mean at this time?
Well, they are the tasks that I need to finish in time
I feel a bit pressured, challenged, out of time
nevertheless, I do not have a choice but to just be in time
Now listening to the lead part just after the bridge
Waiting for the chorus to repeat
but here comes the outro and not the chorus in between
I do not even know the title of the songs playing
I just feel connected, happy, sad, happy, again
There is something melancholic in the sounds they are making
Maybe, it is the Halloween that is soon to be ending.

I drown in silence
I lost my confidence
My only salvation is my resilience
All I can do is fuel this pretense

I bought a mask to hide the pain
I bought clothes to dress like someone else
Came close to getting a haircut
If I got money, maybe change my whole face, too.

I refuse taking pictures
All I see is emptiness
Submerged in loneliness
Bathe in regrets

Farther and farther I go
The only think to blame is my ego
Farther and farther you'll go
I'll keep running away and just choose to let go

October 5 2017
21:00

Not once did I look myself in the mirror today
I know, how it will reflect such horror
Not once did I comb my hair today
I know, how the comb will show the tangles of the day
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

My eyes are tired
My back aches
My legs feel numb
My hands are tensed
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

Songs are on repeat
1,2,3... one more time
Not making sense of the lyrics
Just swaying, moving to the beats
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

Crawling in the dark
Technology disconnects
On my feet, I go
Chaos won't matter
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

My brain aches
My head wants to drift
I chose to sleep for an hour or 2
I woke up, not pleased
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

Sleep cannot make the pain go
My arms and hands still ache when I stop
Ears are burning due to the headphones
Cannot play loudly
Just being considerate of the many
1,2,3... one more time, Go!

You'll hate the songs I suggested
The reason why you liked me in the first place
Should I just keep my playlists a secret,    
Just so you won't feel any regret in the first place?

Guess, you'll erase them
Just how you'll erase me in your brain
7 days backwards happened, by the way
Sorry for making you feel drained

Couldn't say the words I mean to say
Couldn't explain for I'm never really good with words
I just want to take cover
I just don't know if I want this to be over

Let's talk when what you ever feel is over
When you're completely sober
When you got over
If there's even a need for that to take over

October 10 2017
10:30AM

Still nowhere to be found
It's 10:33 in the morning
It hasn't messaged yet
It's 10:34 in the morning
A second feels like an hour
An hour feels like a day
A day feels like forever
Don't tell me that it'll be missing until the end of the day?
Technology fails big time
The office phone rings
I imagine it was the expected digits ringing
It rarely talks, it constantly messages
So, I'm in no position to expect
I'll keep on running if you call my name
The Haim song says

11:29 AM | April 13 2021

Wake up and open your eyes
I crave your message, it's as if you're holding me tight

Your voice is the sweetest voice I hear
No matter what language you speak
Your words are like candies

Your patience is just commendable
Aside from your looks, it's what makes you irresistible

I understand the expression you said last night
I learned my lesson, I better speak better, Spanish grammar

Te quiero
Mahal kita
I love you

Nothing rhymes with "Te quiero" but "(Given name)"

Nothing rhymes with "Mahal kita" but "(Full name)"

Nothing rhymes with "You" but "I love you"

----
Enjoy your day, mi amor. It will be hard to forget that I love you. You're just simply the best.

Wasting away
Letting my life pass me by
seeing myself letting go
I can just remember, how I looked like, a few years ago
Everything crammed up in my brain
The hours of the day cannot even put away the strain
Seeing myself getting ugly
Gone is my beauty
In my mind, I think, of "maybe, tomorrow, it will get better"
For me, it gets worse, and worse, and worse...
My weight is dropping
My wrinkles are becoming visible
Laugh lines are deeper
Eyes alternately swell and deepen
Eye bags get darker, deeper, uglier
Letting my life pass me by
Feeling empty, fighting the urge to be a robot
Nothing but a machine, that is all I am
Just take a look at what I have become
I drown, I feel empty, I feel sad and teary
Nothing breaks me more than this burnt out
I break down, I cry, I drop, I suddenly die
Nothing cripples me than this urge to stop and just do nothing
Be a robot, feel nothing
I wish I am a robot capable of feeling nothing
Just so this robot-like lifestyle can be sustained
The human side of me is dying
The human trapped in a world
World, where robots are the norm
The jobs are what the robots are capable of doing
I die... I die... I die...

Had chicken wings tonight
Took an antihistamine before the fight
Drank coffee after nine
I think, I’ll be awake until the sun shines
What was I thinking?
Maybe, it was the migraine throbbing
Planned on eating ice cream
Ended up buying an eye cream
Got home, I started encoding
Finished at midnight
My eyes won’t shut tight
Still listening to Lany
His song is on repeat
He sings, “ I miss you so bad”
I say, “I want to sleep so bad”.

Life is a race
Please do not be disgraced
You just have to embrace
that life is a race

When you stumble and fall
Do not be appalled
You just have to embrace
That life is a race

and when you feel down and lonely
When you feel like no one is your only
Be here with me
I’ll be your glory

and when you feel down and lonely
When you feel like no one is your only
Be here with me
Listen to my songs to feel glory

When you feel down and lonely
When you feel like no one is your only
I dig my memories
I listen to the songs of my bittersweet memories
There, I find my glory

Will I ever feel happy?
Will I ever be someone else’s glory?
My sadness is just making me insane
when being a little insane is just want I want to be
to be forever, someone else’s glory

She saw a post on face book
She remembered why she was messaged
She remembered what she dreamt about twice
She woke up and she was messaged
She woke up and she was called twice
She remembered the face book post last night
She was remembered
Oh, it was just a coincidence.

October 17 2017
16:32

I need to rest
Rest is what I need to do the rest
I don't want to be reckless
I just want my output to be the best

I just need to be alone
Being alone is what I want for my skills to be honed
Being alone does not mean I'm lonely
Being alone is tattooed on my bones.

I just need to be quiet
I just want to speak with people I need to speak with
Right now, I do not want to speak with other people except those that I need to speak with
All I want is for those people to accept my decision to be quiet

I just need a break from everything
I just want to be with myself
I just want to linger in my silence and aloneness
I just want to listen to myself and no one else

March 23 2019
14:44

Andy the man
He is now a vegetarian
Thank you for the corrections
When my grammar needs attention

As you start your new venture
I hope for an even brighter future
Andy, we will miss you
Tomorrow, in Zambales, we will see you

Ever helpful, and patient
Your humility is beyond compare
You are more than a coworker
You are an uncle, and a friend

Andy the man
He is now a businessman
Andy, we will miss you
So, in Zambales, we will see you

August 6 2019
18:37

Traffic is heavy
My stomach is empty
Making poems while on the van
Maybe, make use of my time for something fun
Maybe, I will ping someone this weekend
Let us see, if we both, are not busy
Maybe, we can get together
Maybe, we can play the guitar forever

You are not aware the day you caught my eye
You are not aware every time I cry
Do you still remember me?

Now, I feel guilty
Feeling so sorry
Why can't we be?

The first dance seemed to be our last
The song that was playing, still trapped in time
Will I ever have to see you in front of me...

How can I make the song last forever?
How can I make you stay to dance with me forever?

You have waited for this.
Do not waste your time thinking of your fears.
Do not fear the unknown.
You will not learn if you will not try.
Let others fear their own.
Do not fear what others fear.
Discover your own fears.
You will never know if you are truly afraid of something until you try.
Your youth warrants you to try, fail, try again.
You will not fail nor succeed until you try.
Do not believe what others tell you.
Let yourself tell you what to believe.
See for yourself what others fear to dive into.
See for yourself what you want yourself to dive into.
Be motivated to try.
Be motivated to fail.
Be motivated to make mistakes.
More mistakes, more tries, more chances of success.
Do not let the idea of others weaken your will to try.

JUST TRY. JUST FACE YOUR FEARS.

I bet, you’ll listen to the songs I recommended to you
I bet, my recordings will be on your playlist, too
I bet, you’ll check all the unread emails that I sent you
I bet, you’ll regret deleting the photos I sent you

Let me tell you,
When I finally decided to leave and forget you
I bet, you’ll remember all the things I just told you that I bet you’ll do
For when I’m already gone, those are what you’ll surely do.

October 19 2017
22:49

She does not belong to anyone
Silence is what she will become
People come and go
People live and die
Mortality becomes reality
Aged mortal is what we will all become
Crave of freedom imprisons her
She glows in the chaos more than ever
A candle keeps burning in her mind
The songs do not make sense anymore
Off they go to nonsense
She writes to entice her appetite
The crave of peace in silence dies
She manages her silence
She works to keep calm and guard her existence
She writes of herself and no one else
She competes with herself and no one else
She blabbers writing until the candle dies
The wind says goodbye
The winter bliss says, "Hi."
The cold October passes by
Here comes the promise of a better November
December can be found at the end of the river
Just right after the eleventh plate number
This writing makes no sense
She thinks, that, maybe, in reality, she is really dense
She thinks nothing but her existence
She would rather be sole than double
She craves her mind, body and soul
Hoping for the 3-in-1 to be a certainty
She is on the verge of shouting
She envisions herself suffocating
The words do not come out right
Even Tori Amos cannot say things right
She checked her clock at 10:52
This happened just out of the blue
The coincidence now frightens her
She makes the words of Brandon Boyd void
She is talking nonsense
Just trying to make every line of the stanza rhyme
Alternate, or consecutive rhyming
It does not matter as long as the lines rhyme
"Nice to Know You" now plays
She craves to change the settings to replays
She forgets that she listens to somebody else's playlist
She thinks that the playlist embodies her being
She finally decides to stop her writing.
Goodnight.
Be plain in sight.
She will not be delighted.
She will be enlightened.
She accepts it before it happens.
Stay or go.
Live or die.
Hot or cold.
Remember everything.
Remember why.

The weekend is close to the end atlas
and all I hope for was for it to last
Why do I feel such an outcast?
Why didn't I have such a blast?
It feels great to be at your wit's end
It feels great to be someone whom no one calls
There's no need to pretend
I'm the only one here who falls
Here she is with her utmost lies
Why do I feel terrible every time she cries?
Why do I feel hurt to even acknowledge that feeling when it dies?
Please, let it not be her demise

You are therapy to my agony
You are the survival to my emergency
You bring hope to my faithlessness
You are my ears to my deafness

You bring joy to my unhappy life
You supply oxygen to my dying heart
You put laughter to my frowning mouth
You remove, in my heart, the planted knife.

Your kind of leaving me is different
We are still the same yet I know it’s different
Am I just thinking too much?
Is it just me who’s thinking too much?

You make me go back to all the songs I listened to before
You make me go back to how we started from before
But I just can’t let that happen
I do not know how to not notice you anymore

Every time I see your name
I wonder how you can be so lame
I wonder if you’re still the same
I wonder if there’s a chance for you to feel the same

I asked you last night
If you still like me
You said that you really like me
You asked if there’s already someone courting me

Would you give me away if I say, “Yes”
Would you fight for me if I say, “Yes”
Would you make me yours, again, if I say, “Yes”
I did not dare to say, “Yes”

I don’t hear from you as much as before
I’m as patient as can be
I try to deny my expectations
I’m as patient as can be

I try not to worry about you thinking about me
I know that you are not
I try not to care of you, me and us
When in fact, there is us because I care about you a lot

If you could only look into my brain
See how everything is causing me so much strain
I hope that you truly care about me
I hope that you truly love me

I try to just feel nothing about everything
I try to appear that I don’t care if you care or not
I wish that you really don’t want to lose me
Because I feel that you can and you will, in reality

I don’t know what I want from you
I don’t even know if I truly love you
If I’m just in love with your existence
I want me to be your reason for existence

We had what we had
Not because you love or care for me
Me as your prototype
She as your final marrying type

I try to keep my cool
I try to appear that everything is normal
I try to appear nonchalant about it
I try to think that it won’t be painful
When you finally say that what we had was awful

...and I will never write a poem
just because it rhymes with you
Not because of sadness
Not because of happiness
but just because I feel like writing about you

I will never decide on the title
just because my poem forms a riddle
Not because of the chorus
Not that my feelings for you is enormous
but just because I feel like it’s the right thing to do

I will never decide on just doing things
just because you make my heart sing
Not because of what the moment dictates
Not because I just want to retaliate
but just because I know that the ambivalent here is you

He said that he would go after her.
Guess what? He didn't go after her.
He said that he would find her.
Guess what? He didn't find her.

All he did was blabber
The girl didn't bother
The girl wanted him to do the opposite
Guess, he didn't do anything magnificent

He said that he would never talk ****
He said that he really liked her
Well, all he did was just write on the sheet
Guess, all he told her was just, yes... a blabber

A month has passed.
Didn't even know if he even crossed her path
No news, no message, no email, no call
Just nothing, if she would recall

arms tight
it feels so right
your kisses so sweet
The lips want to meet

hands interlocked
the heart finally is docked
laughters are synchronized
talks are harmonized

This is what I want to do
With you, this is what I want to do
Only, you, do it with her
As I watch you do it with her